Children of the Hatch
by GoldenGirl
Summary: A Lost story where Sawyer's a devoted dad, Kate's a clueless momwhorepyromaniac, Jack's a delusional parent of 3 kids that arent his, and nothing is sacred but the skate relationship.
1. A Perfectly Logical Solution

TITLE: Children of the Hatch

AUTHOR: GoldenGirl

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lost

PAIRINGS: Skate, Ana-Lucackhucko (read further to find out the nature of this particular ship)

A/N: This is a sequel to "Sawyer is a Romantic." If you don't want to catch up and read that fic here's what you need to know: Jack's name is Jose now. That's pretty much it :)

Also, I hope no one is offended by the stereotypes and tasteless jokes. It's all in good fun :)

**Chapter 1: (parenthesis)/ A perfectly logical solution**

Kate walked through the sparse trees that marked the space where the beach and the jungle blended together. She was coming from the hatch where she had just taken a nice, warm shower (because Kate loved showers) and was currently reminiscing about her time on this island.

It had been almost two years now since the plane crashed and so much had changed. Even though keeping up with gangster slang had proven too much for Jack, he still went by the name Jose and had even grown his hair out long enough to wear it in a ponytail. Charlie relapsed about three times. Jin spoke perfect English. And according to the scale in the hatch, Hurley had lost four pounds.

And oh yes, how could Kate forget? There were the babies. Tons and tons of babies. Lack of proper contraceptives and an abundance of horny castaways spurned on the island baby boom. Almost every women on the island had one now (some more than others). Even Kate and Sawyer had a baby. A beautiful little boy with dirty blonde hair that lay flat in some parts and curled up in others. He had dimples in his cheeks and tiny freckles gingerly sprinkled on his nose. He was easily the cutest 1 year-old on an island littered with them.

Kate was absent-mindedly drying her hair with a towel when she heard her name being called.

"Kate, where you at?" the person shouted again.

She followed the voice, immediately recognizing it as Jack's, and wondered what it was he wanted from her.

She found him crouching down trying to separate two fighting babies..

"What's going on?" Kate asked, walking up to them and picking up her son.

"Your kid was beating up Josefina!" Jack said, picking up his daughter. In actuality, Josefina was the more aggressive party, climbing over Kate's baby and trying to make him eat sand. "You're lucky I separated them in time. I just set her down for a minute and he was all over her," Jack exclaimed. "You have quite the ladies man on your hands. Though I don't blame him. Josifina's a beautiful baby."

This worried Kate, immensely because Josefina was _not _a beautiful baby. Far from it. In fact, she made other babies (and some adults too) cry by so much as looking at them. She looked down at her own baby, balancing on her hip, and wondered if she was actually raising a kid who could be attracted to that. She frowned and turned her attention back to Jack.

"It looked to me like Josefina was the one terrorizing--."

"What's his name today?" Jack asked, amused with himself.

It was common knowledge on the island that Kate and Sawyer's baby didn't exactly have an "official" name yet. They had waited until he was born to even begin thinking of names but a year later they still couldn't settle on one. Sawyer's choices were always so bizarre because according to him, "my kid's gonna be famous!" and so he named him the equivalent of celebrity baby names. Kate on the other hand, wanted him to grow up to be smart and she figured a nice smart name would do. As a result, the kid had a new name about every six hours. At this particular hour, Kate had chosen to name him Lesley.

Before Kate could enlighten Jack with the baby's new name, Sawyer strode up from in between the trees and settled himself next to Kate.

"What's wrong?" He knew something must be wrong because Jack was present.

"I was just breaking apart a fight between Josefina and your kid."

"Did she hurt him?" Sawyer asked, worried.

"It was he who was hurting her," Jack replied. "Honestly, Kate, you should be more careful about looking after him."

"You weren't looking after him?" Sawyer asked.

"I just left him outside to play for a little while." She turned an accusatory tone saying, "Where were you this whole time?"

"I was chopping wood!" (Because Sawyer loved to chop wood).

"As a parent of four children under the age of 1, maybe I can give you some advice," Jack began, placing his hands on his hips and taking an authoritative stance.

Jack was the parent of 4 kids under the age of 1 and he was quite proud of the fact. Ana Lucia had had quadruplets, 3 boys and 1 girl (Josefina) and the babies were Jack's pride and joy. Unbeknownst to him, however, was that on the night Ana Lucia conceived the children she had slept not only with Jack but with 3 other of the island's castaways. Their sperm found themselves in such a hostile environment that instead of fighting each other off, they banded together to make 4 different babies by 4 different men. Quite the medical miracle.

"First piece of advice," Jack said, "watch your child more carefully. I never let my children out of sight. "

Before Sawyer and Kate even had the chance to look around for the children that were supposed to be in Jack's line of sight, a baby peaked it's head above Jack's right shoulder. They realized that Jack had once again taken to carrying his kids in his roomy backpack (because Jack loved backpacks). It was a freaky technique because of how the babies would suddenly pop up at of nowhere.

The baby above his right shoulder was fatter than most babies ought to be and hairier too. He began nibbling on his father's ear but Jack hardly took notice.

"I mean, I don't know if you two know this or not but your child's a menace to this island!" Jack continued, to Sawyer and Kate's disappointment.

At this moment, Jack's second son chose to make himself known and popped up above Jack's bandana-dressed head. He was a completely hairless baby, bald as the day he was born. Right now he held a sharpened stick over his father's head and as he smiled, Sawyer and Kate noticed a bright orange peel in his mouth.

"Second piece of advice," Jack continued, "try and dress him better?"

Kate looked down at examine the attire of her son. The boy looked at her with a happy, four-tooth smile, wearing the standard white cloth diaper and a shirt Kate had sewn for him. The haphazardly made t-shirt bore 1 short sleeve and one sleeveless sleeve. She had tried to do a good job but it wasn't Kate's fault that she'd only sewn some drapes and Jack's side in al her life.

"My kids' bandana diapers might be a bit too stylish for your tastes," Jack went on, "but that's just an example."

Popping up ever so slowly above his father's left shoulder was Jack's third and most adored son. This boy was especially special because of his silent demeanor (he was never once seen crying) and because of the way his eyes were always fixed upon Jack (in a rather eerie fashion). Also, he was black.

"Third piece of advice; name him."

"Yeah? Well it's better than naming all my kids Jack!" Sawyer exclaimed.

All of Jack's son's _were _named Jack, but to his credit, they had middle names. He and Ana Lucia had compromised in that aspect. The fat, hairy baby was named Jack Hugo Reyes Jr. The bald, weapon-wielding baby was named Jack Juan-Locke. And the black baby was named Jack Eko. But Jack just called him Lil' Jose.

"At least they have names!" Jack retorted.

"You want me to clock him, Freckles?" Sawyer asked, steadily growing more and more infuriated with Jack's supposed 'parenting advice.'

Jack suddenly chuckled. "You can't even call Kate by her real name."

"Hey," Sawyer snapped. "It's an endearing nickname."

"Sure it is," Jack replied. "Because women really love it when you refer to their skin deformities as 'endearing nicknames.' Ana Lucia is just tickled pink whenever I call her 'cottage cheese ass' or 'stretchy skin.'"

The nicknames were apt. Ana Lucia had gained nearly 200 pounds carrying the quadruplets to term and had since them lost very little of the baby weight. Looking at Kate and how Sawyer had his hand around her back, holding on to her taut waist really made Jack jealous. There wasn't an ounce of fat on her body.

"Listen Jackass, we really don't have the time to stand around here and listen to just how fantastic your kids are with their fancy bandana diapers," Sawyer shouted. "Our kid might not have the best clothes on this here island but he's way better than anything you can produce."

"Please!" Jack said, rolling his eyes. I doubt you have the sheer stamina to create _quadruplets_."

Kate and Sawyer eyed the 3 boys above Jack's shoulders. They doubted very much that Jack had this 'stamina' either.

"Stop fighting!" A voice rang out.

Jack, Sawyer, Kate and all the kids turned around to find Locke standing 10 feet away. No one knew how long he had been standing there but he seemed to come out of nowhere, like always.

"There's a perfectly. Logical solution to. This problem!" He shouted, sagely rubbing his hand over his shiny scalp. "All this arguing about who's baby. Is better is not going to get any of you. Anywhere."

Jack observed the man and squinted. John Locke, always butting into everyone's business. "And what's the solution?" Jack asked, his tone undermining anything that the older man suggested.

Locke threw his hands up and announced, "The baby Olympics."

His job of providing wise words of wisdom was done now and he started walking away, leaving everyone to watch as a the otherworldly man left their presence. He turned around once more and angrily added, "You're not the only people. On this island with babies. And you all know it!"

Kate, Sawyer and Jack returned their attention to one another.

"The baby Olympics," they said, simultaneously.


	2. Quality time with the fords

**Chapter 2: Quality Time with the Fords/ Worst Mother Ever**

"I can't believe you left him outside by himself," Sawyer said, following Kate through the doorway of their hut.

Most everyone on the island had huts now rather then tents. They were roomier and they contributed to a feeling of foundation their previous habitats lacked. Sawyer built their new living spaces with a nursery in mind, and there was a small corner designated for their tyke.

He tore out some photos from a couple of magazines he had laying around, fully intent on providing his son with a perfectly decked-out nursery. Kate, however, made him take down the _Playboy _spreads as soon as she saw them up. The kid would have to be happy with a car ad on his wall instead.

"He's big enough to be out on his own," Kate responded trying to sooth her now crying baby.

"Moon Unit's barely one!"

"Stop calling him Moon Unit, you're getting him upset."

"Oh yeah, _I'm _the reason he's crying. It has nothing to do with his wet diaper."

Kate eyed Sawyer skeptically and then did the same with her son, holding him up to get a better look at him. She patted his bottom lightly and then, admittedly defeated, fixed Sawyer with a disparaging look.

"So he's a little wet. I would've figured that out eventually."

The fact that Sawyer had to tell Kate- who was holding the baby- that their son was wet was more or less indicative of what kind of mother she was. Not to say she was a bad mother, it was just that she lacked a certain motherly instinct that Sawyer expected all mothers to innately have. To date, Kate's most motherly of instincts was to protect her son from jellyfish (she didn't want Hurley peeing all over him). That, and tree bullets.

"Want me to change him?" Sawyer offered. He hoped she'd say yes, if only because Kate's idea of changing diapers was of a more exhausting nature than Sawyer's. Also, it usually resulted in him having to do it over.

"Nope. Got it."

She sat the baby down on a precariously stacked pile of luggage and went to fetch him a new diaper. Sawyer followed her footsteps in stride and picked up the baby a second before the pile of bags toppled over.

Kate came back from the corner nursery with a new clean cloth and took the boy off Sawyer's hands, oblivious to the peril she'd just put him in.

Sawyer could only stand back, fold his arms over his chest and hope she got it right this time.

Kate lay the baby down on a blanket and started wrapping the long cloth around him. Although she started very carefully, determined to tie the two required knots, she could already count eight knots and was working on the ninth one. Pretty soon there was more diaper then there was baby as she'd gathered together every possible fabric in her reach until she created the ultimate bundle of a diaper. It was only when she felt a faint tugging on her pant leg that she realized the baby wasn't in the diaper at all and had instead crawled his way around her alongside Sawyer as she fumbled with the diaper.

"Whoops," she whispered, scooping the baby up and setting him down before her to try again. She got the diaper tangled in his arms, stomach and shoulders until finally tying two ends on either side of his waist. She stood back and smiled down at what she had accomplished, a little more breathless and flustered then how she had started.

"All done."

Sawyer knelt down beside the boy and examined him closely. He hooked his hands under the baby's arms and picked him up, holding him at arms length. Just as Sawyer expected it would, the cloth diaper swiftly slipped off the boy's bottom without so much as a breeze to propel it.

Kate frowned. "He's skinny," she surmised.

Sawyer nodded, not having the heart to tell her otherwise.

It was just as well for Sawyer anyway, since he, strangely enough, enjoyed changing diapers. Sun had once told him that baby girls usually stare right out you when you changed them as opposed to baby boys whose eyes wander all over the room. So as Sawyer knelt down in front of his son, he happily welcomed the challenge of getting his attention by making funny faces or speaking the universal baby language of _goo-goo, ga-ga_. He opened his eyes wide and filled his cheeks with air and stuck his tongue out and crossed his eyes. He did all this only when he was certain there was no one around but the baby and Kate. He had a certain reputation to uphold in public.

As Sawyer carefully wrapped the diaper around his son, he took a break from the face-making to watch Kate out of the corner of his eye. She was folding clothes near by and he figured it was as good a time as any to ask her something that was on his mind for a while now..

"Now, you aint seriously thinking of entering Moon Unit in this Baby Olympics thing, are you?"

Kate's head spun around and her eyes met Sawyer's eyes with a seriously serious look. "Of course I am. And stop calling him Moon Unit. We don't want the other kids making fun of him."

"Pretty sure namin' him 'Lesley' already took care of that, Sugar Pop."

"He has to enter," Kate continued, bringing the baby olympics topic back with a fierce determination. "He could easily beat any one of Jack's kids."

"Well that goes without saying, but what would they compete at? Who could roll the coconut across the finish line fastest?"

Kate's eyes widened in thought. "You think we should start training him for that?" she asked.

"Would you listen to yourself! It's the _baby olympics_."

"_I know!_" Kate responded, excited.

He might have tried to stress how stupid it seemed but she only heard the importance of it.

Sawyer sighed, ready to give up on the whole argument.

"I just don't think fillin' his head up with competition is very healthy, that's all."

"Oh, grow a pair, Sawyer! Lesley will not grow up a sissy!"

As Sawyer tried to figure out if Sissy was his son's new name, he realized that he was dealing with Kate, the most competitive girl he'd ever known. It was probably in his best interest to drop the topic until they had the opportunity to discuss it with a professional. Which reminded him, it was almost time to head over to Libby's weekly parenting group therapy session.

Before Sawyer and Kate could meet up with the rest of the island parents at the therapy session, they had to drop off their son at the babysitter's. The position was currently being held by Charlie. Granted, a drug addict (and worse, failed musician!) Wasn't the best candidate for the job but his alternatives were looking too good either. Hurley used to be the designated babysitter until one day a child under his care turned up missing. It was only after hours of searching for him that they'd found him in Hurley's ass crack.

Anyway, Charlie absolutely loved babysitting. Or as he preferred to call it, band practice. More appropriately, _secret _band practice. He was planning the biggest, most rockin' concert the island had ever seen. The only concert it had ever seen, really, but who was counting? He was ready to start Driveshaft 2's rehearsals as soon as his drummer showed up.

"Did you feed him?" Sawyer asked Kate, as they approached Charlie's hut.

"Yep. Earlier," she said.

"You know, lots of the other kids are starting to eat solid foods now."

"He likes milk too much. It's the only thing he'll have."

"Well, I know it's the only thing he'll have, it's the only thing you're offering him."

Kate shrugged and tapped on Charlie's door.

Sawyer balanced his son on his other arm and picked up slightly to look him in the eye. "You're a breast man, huh? Just like your old man," he said, winking.

Charlie popped his head through the door at that moment. "My drummer's here!"

Kate and Sawyer looked at suspiciously and Charlie realized he'd slipped up. "I mean, Billy Bob!"

"It's actually Moon Unit today," Sawyer corrected.

"Lesley," Kate said.

"Right," Charlie said slowly, taking the baby out of Sawyer's hands. "We'll just call him Toehead," and then with a faraway look in his eyes he continued, saying, "cuz his head... it's shaped like a toe."

Sawyer and Kate stared at Charlie for a moment. Maybe they were thinking that leaving their son in his care wasn't the best idea. But oh well, they had to get going.

"Have fun with Charlie," Kate whispered in Lesley's ear, kissing him on the top of the head. Sawyer ruffled his hand through Moon Unit's hair.

They headed down the beach where the therapy session was about to begin.


	3. Libby is a slut

**Chapter 3: Libby is a slut.. and maybe Moon Unit is too/ JATE IS FATE**

Libby's therapy sessions had become an island staple ever since she started conducting her successful couples sessions. It was only after everyone started having babies that she had the brilliant idea to change the sessions from couple-oriented to parent-oriented. And so Libby, being the only authority on therapy around these parts, took it upon herself to solve all the islanders' parenting-related problems. Even if she was the only woman on the island who had not birthed a child. And knew absolutely nothing about parenting. And even less about children.

"Ok! Lets start solving these parenting problems!" Libby chimed in a sing-song voice as she addressed the small group of people gathered before her.

She consulted with 3 pairs of parents at a time and the group of parents sitting before her now consisted of Sawyer and Kate, Jin and Sun, and Jack and Ana Lucia. They sat on logs set in a semi circle around a small fire.

"Well, as you know, Soon-Yi started learning algebra," Sun said of her 1 year-old daughter. "And she's doing fine with that but it's the calculus we're worried about." She placed her hand on top Jin's which came to rest on her knee. "She seems to not comprehend calculus at all. We think it is because Billy Bob is too much of a distraction."

"Moon Unit?" Sawyer scoffed, recognizing the name he'd given his son the day before. "You can't blame him because Fook Yoo's bad at math."

But blaming Moon Unit for distracting Soon-Yi wasn't too inconceivable a notion. Kate and Sawyer had arranged a number of play dates for their son and Jin and Sun's daughter all in the hopes that he'd stick with Soon-Yi and thereby distance himself from Jack's brood, most specifically, Josefina. However, Sawyer and Kate's definition of a play date differed slightly from Jin and Sun's. While they just wanted their son to acquaint himself with the island's most well-rounded baby, Jin and Sun saw it more as, nameless-white-trash-baby-interrupts-Soon-Yi's-math-lessons.

"My daughter not bad at math!" Jin shouted in his nearly perfect English. "Your son always parading around naked with clothes falling off. Distracting Soon-Yi!"

Sawyer could feel Kate tense up beside him at the mention of their son's clothes always falling off. Kate's inability to sew properly or tie things in general never ceased to embarrass her.

"Are you calling my boy a slut, Samsung?" Sawyer said slowly, threateningly.

"Now lets all just calm down," Libby said, before fisticuffs broke out. "Sawyer, I've been called a slut more times than you can possibly imagine. It's really not that insulting. And Jin, no need to get so worked up because your daughter's an idiot when it comes to math." 

And since Libby had no real parenting experiences of her own to draw from, she often did the next best thing and recounted anecdotes from her childhood which could be considered applicable. 

"When I was younger I sucked at math. _And_ I was a slut. But I went up to my parents and I said, Mom, Richard- Richard was my stepdad- I said, I may be bad at math and I may be a bit of a slut sometimes, but I'm still your daughter. Not technically yours, Richard, but you like it that way, don't you, you bastard!"

Libby's last sentence was yelled to no one in particular. Realizing the camp was suddenly very quiet she took a moment to compose herself. She breathed hard through her nostrils as the group looked on. Uncomfortably. "In summation," she said in a low whisper, "Kate, Sawyer, I suggest your son find a new playmate."

"Josefina could use a new playmate," Jack piped in. "Any playmate, actually. Kids tend to... not play with her for some reason."

Sawyer and Kate could only look at themselves reproachfully for getting themselves into this situation. They neglected to answer him.

"Onto our next set of parents," Libby continued. "Jose, Ana, any problems with your kids?"

Jack seemed to rack his brain for a moment but all too quickly he shook his head to refute the mere suggestion that there was something wrong with his kids.

"My kids are perfect," he said. "No problems with them whatsoever."  
"Really?" Libby said. "What about Jack Hugo. He seems to be a bit heavy for his age."

Whenever Jack became uncomfortable or defensive he would subconsciously revert back to Jose-mode, tying a fresh bandana over his forehead the same way a doctor would swing a stethoscope around his neck. This was one of those moments.

"He's quite fat," Libby repeated.  
"Just baby fat, yo."  
"And Jack Juan-Locke? He's still constantly playing with sharp objects and threatening your welfare?"  
"It's a game we play, Ese."  
"And Little Jose. He's still black?"  
"Genetics," Ana Lucia said, as if it was obvious. Jack didnt seem to hear her.  
"He has a skin condition, Homes. Too sensitive to the sun."  
"And Josefina is still... Josefina."  
"Since when is Josefina being Josefina a problem?" Jack snapped.

"Libby's a professional, Culo," Ana Lucia said, using her nickname for Jack. A nickname which the non Spanish-speaking doctor misunderstood as an affectionate one."Just let her do her job."  
"There must be something about your kids that isn't perfect," Libby went on.

After a few moments Jack shrugged his shoulders in what appeared to be defeat. "They don't cry too much. Ana Lucia says I cry more than they do."

He suddenly seemed to notice that these therapy sessions weren't private and there were a group of people hearing his confessions.  
"Not that I ever cry," he quickly added. "I don't." And this is when he started to cry. "It's just that when they don't cry it makes me feel like they're not even my kids sometimes."

Jack bent his head with each tortured sob. Ana Lucia rolled her eyes. The group shared an uncomfortable look in silence. And Libby put on a knowing expression.

"You know this brings me back to when I was a kid," she said. "When my mom and I would fight it'd usually end with her saying she'd disowned me and then I would say I wasn't her kid anymore and then Richard would join in the conversation saying, 'You'll always have a home _here_' and then he'd pat his lap and wink at me that sonofabitch!"

Libby was breathing hard again and there was another moment of uncomfortable silence.  
"I sincerely hope you heed that piece of advice, Jose," Libby said. "Cuz it's good."

She took a deep breath and fixed a new smile on her face.

"And lastly, Sawyer, Kate, what kind of parenting troubles befall you this week?"

Although there was a myriad of outstanding problems concerning their child- like that he didn't officially have a name or that as a result of his poorly-tied diapers he was naked more often than was arguably appropriate- Kate and Sawyer chose to express their most recent concerns.

"I think it's about time we stop breast-feeding him," Sawyer said. "Wouldn't want him turnin' into a mama's boy."  
"_We_?" Kate said. "It's my breast that he's feeding from."  
"Moon Unit's obsessed with her boobs!" Sawyer exclaimed. "That can't be healthy."

While everyone else at the session was just passively listening to the latest installment of Kate's motherly inadequacies, Jack sat forward to hear every word concerning Kate's breasts.

"Ah," Libby said, trying to sound wise and understanding. "When I was younger my stepdad was obsessed with my breasts. The only way my mom knew to solve the problem was to throw me out of the house. Maybe you should throw Moon Unit out."

"I'm not throwing my son out," Kate said. "And his name's Lesley."  
"Sounds to me like you don't want to let go."

As Kate pondered this, Jack shuffled through belongings at his side and retrieved an empty backpack. He outstretched his arm and held it in front of Kate.  
"You can carry your son around in there. That way you don't ever have to let go."

Kate looked at him and the backpack curiously. Even though she'd never fathom carrying Lesley around in a backpack, Jack seemed sincere enough and so after a moment's hesitation she took the bag from him, not wanting to hurt his feelings.

"Thanks, Jose," she said.  
Jack smiled warmly and bowed his head modestly. "My pleasure."

He stared at Kate for a good 30 seconds, relishing in the wonderful moment he was sharing with her. A moment, which in his eyes and his eyes alone was spilling over with untapped love, filled to the brim with undeniable chemistry (again, in his eyes alone) that it kept his hopes of being together with Kate one day, alive.

It was such a spectacular feeling that he just had to share it with everyone present.

"Did you all see that?" he began, confidently. "Kate and I just had a moment."

And while everyone, especially Kate, tried to understand exactly what it was he meant, Jack tried to explain.

"Kate and I will always have this dynamic. Concern baked under the fluffy crust of a chemistry neither one of us can deny."

All was quiet for the third time during the therapy as everyone stared at Jack until Sawyer finally put into words what all of them were thinking.

"What. The. Fck are you talkin' about, Jackass?"

"Look, alls I'm saying is that Kate and I are meant to be. She may be with you for now but that's just an interim thing. Kate and I are fate."

It was at that moment that Sawyer realized he was dealing with a deranged lunatic and he decided to approach this topic from a new angle. He turned to Ana Lucia, who was sitting next to Jack looking as bored as ever. As if she'd heard this speech a hundred times already. In fact, she had.

"And you're ok with what he's saying?" Sawyer said. "You're just gonna let him obsess over another woman like this?"  
"Culo can do whatever he wants with his time so long as it doesn't involve me on my back and him on top of me crying."  
"He's the father of your children!" Sawyer yelled.  
"Have you seen my children?"

"Stop fighting it, Sawyer," Jack spoke up. "What Kate and I have is fate."Ana Lucia dug into her own bag and retrieved a stack of surprisingly impressive homemade buttons which she then proceeded to hand out to everyone sitting around the fire.

Sawyer and Kate read what was crudely written over their buttons, and apparently everyone else's buttons too:

_JATE IS FATE_

"What the hell's a _Jate_?" Sawyer asked.

"It's mine and Kate's name put together." Jack said, proudly. "Your names are much harder to combine. Another sign that Kate and I are truly meant to be."

Sawyer wasn't sure he'd heard the first sign but he'd had enough of this. He stood up and was about to walk over to Jack to show him _his_ idea of fate, when the sound of Locke's voice interrupted all. 

"Stop fighting!" he shouted, appearing out of nowhere, in the shadows. He was ten feet away from them all which was usually the distance he took when about to enlighten the islanders with his words of wisdom.

"Sawyer and Kate. Are together now, Jack. And we all know it!"  
"But it's fate!" Jack and Ana Lucia shouted simultaneously.  
"And It's Jose," Jack continued, meekly. 

"You should all be preparing. For tomorrow's first. Baby Olympics challenge!"

Everyone was listening closely now. 

"A race!" Locke went on. "To see which baby. Can roll a coconut. Across the finish line fastest!"

And as soon as he'd appeared, Locke was gone, leaving all the parents mystified and thinking about tomorrow's first challenge.

A/N: Disclaimer: I paraphrased "Kate and I will always have this dynamic. Concern baked under the fluffy crust of a chemistry neither one of us can deny." from the "Walkabout" Script. So, the words are mostly David Fury's.


	4. Kate's string of bad news

**Chapter 4: Kate's string of bad news/ The stupidest thing Kate's ever heard**

The camp was settling down for the night after a long day of doing absolutely nothing but for Kate there was still plenty of things to do. Most importantly, she had sought to use this opportunity to train her son for the next morning's Olympic games. So with the scattered campfires and torches lighting the beach, Kate set Lesley down and began the training.

"Come on, Lesley! Come roll the coconut with mommy!"

She was on all fours, crawling across the beach as fast as she could while rolling a coconut at the same time. She crawled circles around her son, waiting for him to join in and follow her lead but all he did was sit in place and stare at her. The only movement coming out of him was the turning of his head from side to side as he watched his mom get quite the workout.

"This is fun!" Kate said as she passed him, trying to coax him into rolling it with her. But all he did was look and drool.

She passed him a few more times, smiling encouragingly every time she was close but the boy only seemed to be getting more confused.

"Come on, Les! Come on, sweetie!" Kate panted. She was pretty tired now and weakly rolled the coconut over to her son as she spread herself out on the sand in the same motion. Finally, Lesley touched the coconut and jabbed it a centimeter away.

"That was good practice," Kate said, out of breath. "We're definitely gonna," she inhaled, "win this thing." And then she let her head fall back and her lungs catch up with her.

It was at that moment that Sawyer found them and walked over to them.

"You told me you two were going for a walk an hour ago," he said standing over Kate. "I started to worry."  
Kate opened her eyes and looked up at him. "Sorry."  
"Why are you out of breath?"  
"Lesley's heavy. I told you he doesn't need solid food yet."  
"You just old me this morning that he was skinny."

Kate tried to think of something to say but then gave up. "You know I'm a liar, Sawyer," she said, deflated.

He sat down cross-legged beside her and his son who was now attempting to crawl over her torso.  
"Yeah, I know," Sawyer said, smiling. It was, after all, what he loved most about her.

"You know, you don't need to train to Rumor," he said, scooping up his son and sitting him in his lap. "He could win the competition blindfolded."  
Kate sat up with a start. "What did you just call him?"  
"Scout?""No."  
"Tallulah?"  
"No."  
"Rumor."

"We're not Bruce and Demi, Sawyer."  
"Well I know _that_!" he said, looking at her as if she were crazy. "I'm way better looking than Bruce and I've got a great head of hair. Anyway it's just fitting, I think. Cuz your pregnancy was a rumor among the camp."

Kate frowned. "No it wasn't."  
"Yes it was."  
"Everyone found out I was pregnant about a minute after you did."  
"No they didn't," Sawyer scoffed.  
"Yeah, they did. You were the one who told them."  
Sawyer looked skeptical. "I was?"  
"Even after I specifically told you we should keep it to ourselves at first."  
"Well I'm sure you didnt say it like that."  
"My exact words were, 'we should keep it to ourselves at first.'"

Although Sawyer was having quite a hard time remember all of this, Kate had it logged in her memory exactly as it happened. After all, it was a day that would become a turning point in both their lives. And it started off as any other typical day on the island; the sun shining bright in the clear blue sky. Kate took it as good a sign as any to tell him the news.

And she was very nervous about doing that. She had no clue how Sawyer would take it. She only figured that he'd consider it immensely bad news. He'd probably get mad. Maybe he'd get drunk. And although she'd never seen him cry up to that point she figured there'd be some of that too.

It was ironic that when she walked into his tent that day he was busy- in a no doubt grand romantic gesture- making her tampons.

Though by the looks of the large number of sticks he held she did not fathom at the time that they were in the process of becoming (or maybe even already done) tampons.

"Whatcha working on?" she had asked tepidly, testing the waters to see what kind of mood he was in. "Building another raft?" She was only half joking.

"Nope, even better." He would have wanted to wait till later to surprise her with the gift but was too anxious to show her what he knew to be the one thing every girl stranded on an island wants. "These, Freckles," he had said holding up the bundle of sticks, "are tampons."

Kate's mouth fell open as she looked from Sawyer to the 'tampons.' The sticks were sharp, pointy, some of them still had leaves attached. They were far too big to even be considered to use as tampons. Also, they were twigs.  
"Sawyer, have you ever seen a tampon before?" She had asked, looking more closely at the pile of nik-naks in front of him. Aside from the sticks, there were smaller pieces of twigs, twine, tarp, a banana peel (!) and was that a log buried under all that crap?

Sawyer chuckled and went back to his work. "Don't worry, Freckles. You'll love these when I'm finished with them.

She could only sit back and let the sight of those twigs scare her out of ever having her period again. Not that she needed to be scared- Sawyer had already helped her get to the point where she wouldn't have to worry about tampons for a very long time. Like the clear blue sky outside, she took this moment as a sign to tell him the news.

"So, guess what, Sawyer. Honey. Pookie."  
Sawyer stopped what he was doing and turned to look at her, probably because he was surprised to be showered with all the sweet names. For all the nicknames he called her, she never returned the favor, only calling him 'Honey' when she made fun of him. And 'Pookie' when she felt kinky.

To make the news sound better than it actually was, she decided to precede it with some news, hoping that by the time she got to the pregnancy he wouldn't think it was so bad.

"Remember that letter you always kept in your pocket? And how it went missing one day?" She had begun.  
Sawyer nodded.  
"I burned it. Accidently."

Sawyer's face contorted in rage and he opened his mouth to speak, knowing Kate burned lots of things and never "accidently" but Kate put her hand up to stop him.  
"Let me finish," she'd said.

"I'm also really attracted to doctors."

Now Sawyer looked angrier then ever and as much as he tried to say something and whine and yell like he was prone to doing, Kate kept stopping him, determined to finish her string of bad news.

"And one last thing," she'd said. "I'm late."

"Late for what?" He'd shouted, forcing all the energy and all his pent-up anger into those simple, completely clueless words.

"Sawyer, I'm pregnant!"  
He had frozen in his place at that moment and if Sawyer couldn't remember much about that day he remembered this: Everything around him being completely still, his own heartbeat louder and clearer than it ever was, and Kate's face as he locked eyes with her. It was beautiful.   
Sawyer went from absolutely stoic to asking a million different rushed questions he couldn't remember now. Kate chose to answer all of them by saying, "we should keep it to ourselves at first."

He nodded, not thinking straight and then leaped out of his tent, ran to the middle of the beach, pumped his fists into the air and shouted at the top of his lungs, "I GOT KATE PREGNANT!"

About 30 seconds later Jack to the middle of the beach, stood a couple feet from Sawyer, pumped his own fists in the air and shouted, "TAKE THAT SPERM BANK NURSE, LOW SPERM COUNT MY ASS, ESE!"

Sawyer, and everyone else who'd joined Sawyerhim on the beach stopped to silently stare at Jack.

"I mean," Jack went on, "I GOT ANA LUCIA PREGNANT!"

The two mens' news seemed to surprise all the island dwellers and although Jack couldn't see them, Locke, Eko and Hurley all subsequently pumped their fists into the air too.

Sawyer and Jack promptly fainted.

It would be a while before Sawyer would experience the worry and doubt that came to all first-time-fathers-to-be (and there was plenty of it), and it certainly wasnt the last time he'd faint (he'd do it again at the birth) but Kate would always remember that in the moments after she'd told him the news, he was happy. And she would never let him forget that he fainted.

"I did not faint," Sawyer protested. He held up his son and as if to prove he was still a man he whispered to him, "I did not faint."

"It was adorable how you and Jack fainted at the same time," she said through a broad grin.

"Jack just had to one-up me, didnt he? Steal all my glory."  
"When are you ever going to get over that?" Kate asked, laughing.  
"He thinks he's soooo much better than everyone else just because he can combine your names!"  
Kate rolled her eyes. "That's not exactly a talent."

"I should combine our names!" he exclaimed. "Kawyer! How does Kawyer sound to you?"  
"Sawyer..." She stood up and took Lesley from Sawyer's arms so that he could do the same.  
But Sawyer still sat in the sand until his face lit up with what seemed to be the perfect idea. He stood up with a new-found exuberance.

"Skate!" he said. "Yeah, skate's the perfect name."Kate scowled and began walking away. "That's the stupidest thing I've ver heard."


	5. The Fordian Slip

**Chapter 5: The Fordian Slip/ An original fic by Jack 'Jose' Shephard**

The beach was abuzz with... buzz about the baby Olympics. It was the topic on everyone's mind. Not that they had any choice. Locke had woken everyone up by putting a homemade bullhorn to his lips and shouting the words, "THE BABY OLYMPICS. IS. UPON US!"  
So the 'baby Olympics' wasn't only on everyone's minds, it was also ringing in everyone's ears.

Norbert, formally known as Lesley, was the first competitor to arrive at the starting line, courtesy of his mother, Kate. Sawyer, who was a little slower getting up, joined them soon after. He surveyed the "track" Locke had drawn on the sand. By the looks of the lines drawn in the sand it looked like it had taken him 3 minutes to set the whole thing up. It wasnt even wet sand. If Sawyer kicked his foot the whole thing might've disappeared. But Locke was eyeing him carefully, like he might kill the man that ruined the track he'd worked so hard to make. And so Sawyer didnt kick the sand out of place and instead rejoined Kate and his son at the starting line.

Jin and Sun with their daughter Soon-Yi in tow had arrived by then. They examined the race track in the same way Sawyer did. Wondering why they even agreed to subject their daughter to these "olympics." The only reason they agreed to let Soon-Yi compete was because she would undoutedly outsmart all of her competitors. But now that they took a minute and thought about who she was competing against, they realized how pathetic this all was.

Jack and his troupe were the lasts to arrive. They were fashionably late, emphasis on 'fashionably' because all of Jack's 4 kids were sporting what looked to be perfectly tailored baby jerseys made out of bandanas. Across the backs of their jersey's was their team name (Los Quads), and leading them to the race track was a very tired Jack. He had the very specific look of a man who had stayed up all night to sew together 4 baby-sized bandana jerseys. And incase the cause of Jack's tired expression wasnt obvious, one didnt have to look farther than his hands, which were pockmarked with tiny needle-sized holes. A piece of bandana was sewn onto his left pinky finger but he didnt seem to notice. Aside from the exhaustion in Jack's face was the look of unbridled confidence.

Kate looked over at Norbert's plain white T. What had been his best shirt now looked like nothing more than a blank canvas. He needed some form of insignia, a team name. Even if he was the only member in said team.  
Sawyer cold see how she was staring at his son's shirt. "What are you thinking?" he asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer.

"He needs a team name," she muttered, contermplatively.  
"He isnt in a team."  
"He _is_ the team."  
"He's one person!"  
"Will you help me think of a name or not?"  
"No, I will not help you humiliate my son any more than you already have by entering him in this damn competition."  
"You're right," Kate answered. "It has to be something with the name 'Ford' in it."  
He looked at her incredulously. "Well of course you gotta use Ford."  
It only took her an instant to think of the perfect name.  
"The Fordian Slip!" she announced, beaming. Sawyer immediately regretted ever entering this conversation. "Cuz he'll slip by you so fast," she continued. "Quick, hand me a marker so I can write that on his shirt."

Sawyer, like every confident, heterosexual man, had a pocketful of markers. He told Kate he had none.

Before Kate and Sawyer could argue anymore about whether or not to color all over their son, Jack moved in front of the gathered crowd and cleared his throat, garnering their attention.

"I know you all cant stop talking about the amazing jerseys I made for Los Quads," he began. Everyone stared on, silently. "A.k.a my children. Or as you will be referring to them in a couple of minutes, the winning team of the first competition of the Baby Olympics. But I'd like to steer your attention away from the immaculately designed jersey's for a second and share with you a little something I wrote for the occasion. An original piece I like to call a _fic_.

"The main characters are two fictional people born out of my own imagination called Jack and Kate–" he stopped himself abruptly. "Did I say Jack and Kate? I meant Jake and Kay."

Jake and Kay were two young, good-looking people stranded on an island. And they were madly in love with one another. There was another character in the _fic_, Huck, but he died a paragraph in from a fall off a very tall cliff. Jake and Kay's love story had some familiar twists. They had a flirtatious swim in an undiscovered waterfall; Kay tenderly helped Jake swallow a pill after he returned from a near-fatal raft catastrophe; Jake let Kay cut his unruly hair etc.

Kate and Sawyer could guess the storylines before they ever left Jack's mouth. It was only a matter of how much longer they'd stand to hear it.

"And then Kay got wet," But before Jack could finish his sentence, Sawyer had tackled him to the ground and tore the piece of paper out of his hands.  
"Lets get on with the games, shall we?" he asked through clenched teeth, pressing the side of Jack's face into the ground.

Locke wrote down all the competing's baby's names on his customized scoreboard but had to leave Norbert's space empty. Kate and Sawyer had given him too many names to put down ("Rumor!" "Norbert!" "Moon Unit!" "The Fordian Slip!") that Locke had absolutely no choice but to draw an eerily accurate stick-figure diagram of Sawyer and Kate in the act of conceiving their child. Kate's stick figure had freckles.

And with that out of the way, the games could _finally_ begin. The children were all lined up at the starting line with their own coconuts when Locke shot a bullet into the air to start things off.

After the children stopped crying and were calmed down enough from the sound of the loud gun shot, Locke tried again, only this time he simply whispered the word "begin."

The parents let their kids know in their each way that it was time to roll the coconuts but some kids had a better start than others. Jack Eko sat silently with his coconut and began engraving some form of scripture into the fruit. Jack Juan Locke had split open his coconut with a knife he'd pulled out of his jersey and Jack Hugo had taken to eating the broken bits. Rumor/Norbert/the Fordian Slip had inexplicably disposed of all his clothes and was now laying back and sucking on his subsequent coconut.

"I thought you fed him," Sawyer whispered to Kate.  
"I did!"

It was a dead heat between Josefina and Soon-Yi but the race was soon over when Soon-Yi crossed the finish line first.

"You gotta be kidding me!" Jack shouted, as Locke put down the winning scroe next to Soon-Yi's name on the scoreboard. "There's been a mistake!"

"Give it up, Jackass," Sawyer said. "Our kids are better suited at eating coconuts then rolling cocunuts."

Jack paced back and forth, wrapped up in his own thoughts. "I can fix this," he muttered over and over again. And then, announcing it to everyone else he stopped and said more loudly, "I can FIX this."

He collected his kids into his enormous, feminine backpack and then turned to Jin and Sun. "I demand mandatory drug testing."


	6. The Tao of Locke

I always forget to respond to some of the questions left by you guys in the feedback (which I appreciate so, so much)so I'ma do it now.

**Dinuriel**: Did Locke see them? Anything's possible ;)

**Blue Eyes At Night: **That's an interesting idea you bring up. I think I'll work it in :)

**xXxLOLAxXx**: The kind that make babies roll coconuts fast- that's what kind!

**Whirlwind-2005**: Yes, Huck was Sawyer. I think I made that too vague but it was meant to be a reference to the Mark Twain charactersince that's where the name 'Sawyer' comes from too.

And finally, **crookedview**, 'culo' is a varient of 'ass' or 'asshole'

Enjoy this next chap:)

**Chapter 6: Shout out to Brooklyn/The Tao of Locke**

"We'll get 'em next time, Abraham," Kate said, putting an orange in front of her son. After witnessing him trying to derive milk from a coconut during the games, Kate realized it was probably about time to start weaning her son. She patted him on the head and went to fix her own dinner.

"What, you want him to learn to roll that too?" Sawyer asked.  
"I'm giving him solid food. Isn't that what you wanted?"  
"You know he cant swallow it whole, right?"  
"It's _solid food_," she repeated, as if he was an idiot.

Sawyer walked over to his son's crib,- a modest wood carving of a tree log formally known as Rhonda- and peeled the fruit to feed it to him.

"I don't like the name Abraham," he said suddenly.  
"Good," Kate responded. "Cuz I don't like the name Rumor."  
"I changed it. He's Brooklyn from now on."

"Brooklyn? Have you ever been to Brooklyn? You'd hate it."  
"You been to Brooklyn?" Sawyer asked, surprised.  
"Yes."  
"Really?"  
"No," she said. "But I know you'd hate it."  
"And how do you know that?"  
"Because you're Southern."  
"And?"  
"And Brooklyn is ghetto. It's fur coats. It's the mob. It's Jewish grandmothers. It's muggers. It's attitude. It's full of crazy people, Sawyer! I know- I've been there."  
"You just told me you havent."  
"Oh," she said. "Right."  
"Maybe he'd like Brooklyn," Sawyer said, looking at his son."Well, if he's anything like his parents he'd hate it."  
"I don't hate it!" Sawyer shouted. "I've never been there!"  
"You would hate it!" Kate shouted back. "_I've been there_!"  
"No you havent!"  
"Damnit, Sawyer!"

It was so easy for Sawyer and Kate to argue that sometimes it'd be about the silliest things. Sawyer took a deep breath, not wanting to stay angry. "Who cares about a stupid Borough," he said.  
Kate smiled sheepishly, glad their argument was over. "Actually, if it wasn't a Borough it'd be the 4th largest city in America."  
"Your knowledge of Brooklyn is turning me on," he said, swaggering over to her.

"Is it?" she asked demurely, raising her hands over his shoulder to play with the hair on the back of his neck. "Did I mention the part about the Jewish grandmothers?"  
Sawyer growled.He dipped his head to kiss her when he was interrupted by someone at the 'door.'

"Jewish Grandmothers? Sounds like someone's about to get it on!"

Sawyer and Kate turned at the sound of the familiar nasaly, high-pitched voice. Charlie had popped his head through their hut's opening and was smiling from ear-to-ear, looking absolutely delighted to be unwittingly spoiling a couple's moment.

"Hi Charlie," Kate said. "You're early."

She'd arranged for Charlie to come over to babysit Abraham/Brooklyn while she and Sawyer left to attend an engagement they'd made with Jack.

"I almost lost track of the time," she said. "Come on Sawyer, we don't wanna miss the pyro party."  
"Pyro party?" He asked.  
"Yeah," Kate said. "Jack told me he was lighting a bunch of things on fire tonight. Sounds like fun."  
"He told me there was gonna be torturing done tonight. I said I wouldn't miss it for the world."

As Kate and Sawyer thought about these conflicting engagements, Jack prepared a stage for his very special seminar. Knowing that no one would willingly come to hear anything he'd have to say anymore, he made up a scenario unique to every castaway to attract them all. And it was very important that they all come.

Explaining that "as a doctor" he had developed an "impeccable palate for urine," Jack had attempted to drink Soon-Yi's pee to determine whether or not the baby was "filled" with illegal substances. Unfortunately for him, Jin and Sun were rational parents that would never allow something like that. Jack had to settle for stealing a discarded wet diaper when no one was looking. To his despair, he was unable to detect any traces of drugs in the stuff.  
Disheartened with the knowledge that a baby had beaten all of his children by her own god-given merits, Jack devised a new plan to keep his kids superior than all others: eliminate any and all chances of babies being born on the island ever again.

His "Planned Parenthood/Pregnancy Prevention/End to the burgeoning Baby Epidemic" seminar was about to start. Everyone on the island had gathered on the beach, curious to see what Jack would say.

"Welcome!" He announced, now that everyone was settled down.

"Where's the torturing?" Sawyer asked.  
"And the stuff we're gonna burn?" Kate said next.  
"And when. Do I get to. EXPLAIN. My new religion to everyone?" Locke shouted.

"There's something much more important to discuss!" Jack went on. He took a deep breath, looking as if about to say something important. "I think we can all agree that this whole baby thing is getting out of hand." His four babies popped their heads over his shoulder. He adjusted the straps of his backpack and continued talking. "We need a plan. We can't just have women getting pregnant all the time."

"Why don't you just give out the box of condoms that rescue plane airdropped for us," Sawyer asked, rolling his eyes.

Jack smiled bitterly. "If anyone's got some serious suggestions I'll be happy to hear them." Only Locke Locke raised his hand. "unless you're John Locke. Then I don't care for anything you've got to say."

No one else raised their hand so Jack decided it was probably best to pick on people.

"Libby!" He said. "You're a woman! What's your secret?"  
"To being a woman?" she asked.  
"To not getting pregnant. You're not infertile or anything, are you?"  
"Oh goodness no," she laughed. "I've had quite a few abortions in my day." Her laughter died down. "It's just that now I prefer the company of women," she said, winking in Ana Lucia's direction. "So that's why I've been sleeping with Charlie."

Everyone turned to look at Charlie. "Try as I might, I'm unable to impregnate anyone. Or _anything_ for that matter."

"I've got. Something. To say!" Locke stated. He held up something that looked like it could be the lining of a boar's intestine. "This is the lining of a. Boar's intestine. According to my calculations it. Can be used as a 39 effective. Condom!"  
No one had reason to suspect he was secretly sleeping with one of the women. But before anyone could speculate further he added, "the boars. Seem to like it." And although it was a vague statement no one really wanted to think about what it meant. "And Charlie!" he shouted.  
"It's got a very smooth texture," the wee Brit said, from somewhere inside the crowd.

"Now, does anyone. Want to hear about my. New religion?" Locke went on. "You'd only have to worship. Me. The Boars. And the hatch!"

Jack was not happy with the way his seminar was going. "I've got something better than 39 effectiveness! I've got something that's 100 effective!" he said, getting back everyone's attention. "Abstinence." And he subsequently lost their attention again.

"Tell us more about the religion!" Charlie shouted at Locke.

"I'm serious!" Jack stated. "I haven't touched Ana Lucia in over a year and it's really worked out well for us."

"Guess what honey," Ana Lucia said, feigning compassion. "I'm pregnant again."  
Jack staggered back a few paces as if someone had punched him in the stomach. His face lit up with a mixture of shock, awe, and extreme happiness. Funny thing was, Sayid suffered the same reaction.

"You hear that everyone, I'm gonna be a dad again!" Jack shouted gleefully. "My sperm must have an above-average life expectancy! It's a medical miracle!"  
He sprinted over to where Ana Lucia was sitting and nearly bumped into Sayid, who had run to her side as well.

"A dad!" Sayid exclaimed, taking Ana Lucia's hand. "Finally."  
Jack took her other hand. "You mean again. A dad _again_."  
Sayid's expression turned sour as he watched Jack. Feeling the other man's eyes on him, Jack looked back at Sayid. "It's a medical miracle," he stressed.

Sayid scowled. "Yes, of course. A medical miracle."

As Jack and Sayid both separately celebrated the big news, Kate seemed to have noticed Charlie in the crowd for the first time despite his consistent involvement in the seminar. She scrunched up her forehead in thought, realizing that something wasn't right and walked over to him.

"Charlie? Where's Abraham?"

...TBC


	7. Jack's Reasons Why

**Chapter 7: Charlie doesnt know where Brooklyn is/ Jack's reasons why**

"Charlie, where's Abraham?" Kate asked in a steady voice, trying to stay calm but thinking the worst. Her fears were only solidified when Charlie answered her with a bewildered "Abraham?"

It was, for that particular moment, the worst thing he could have said to Kate. In truth, he simply did not know that this was the baby's new name.

"SAWYER!" Kate shouted, frantic now.  
Sawyer was by her side in a second, asking what was wrong. "Abraham's missing!" she said.  
"Abraham Lincoln?" Charlie asked. "He's dead."

"What did you say, boy?" Sawyer asked, grabbing two fistfuls of the scrawny man-child's shirt.  
"Abraham Lincoln's bloody dead!" the stringy-haired, pug-nosed Brit shouted, because Sawyer was shouting, and he figured maybe Sawyer wouldn't kill him if he shouted. It wasn't very logical but it was the failed musician's only type of logic.

"Not Lincoln. Brooklyn!" Sawyer yelled. "Where the hell's Brooklyn!"  
"It's in California, alright! California!" the geographically-challenged shrimp stammered, tears forming at the corners of his eyes. "What's all this got to do with me!"

Sawyer shoved him away and turned to face Kate, grabbing her shoulders and looking her straight in the eye. "We're going to find him, Freckles," he said, trying to sound confident but mostly just trying to convince himself. And in a an even more sobering tone, weighed down by the severity of what he was about to say he added, "I'm going into the jungle."

"What for?" the needy, obsessive, sometime-junkie asked, working himself through the crowd from where Sawyer had thrown him.  
"Because, Tiny Tim," Sawyer said, " whenever something happens around here we go into the jungle. The Others were coming? We went into the jungle. We need a radio transmission? We went into the jungle. Claire's baby got a rash? _we went into the jungle_!"

"But what are you looking for? Who's missing?" the writer of the obnoxious one-hit wonder that couldn't ever get out of anybody's head, _You All Everybody_ asked, totally and utterly confused.

Kate ignored him. Something changed in her as she nodded away her worry and put on her game face. She stepped up to Sawyer. "I'm coming with you," she said, as if she'd never been more sure of anything in her life. But before Sawyer could comment on what she'd just said, they heard another voice break through the crowd.

"No you're not."

They turned to see Jack approaching them. He looked like he'd never been more sure of anything in his life either. "I'll let Sawyer come with me. But not you."  
At the exact moment of Jack's reemerging superiority complex, the sound of something loud crashing could be heard in the distance. Ten feet away, Lock was surrounded by what looked to be a dozen pots and pans that had just been thrown around in an angry fit of rage.

"Come with _you_?" Sawyer began to protest, but he was cut off by Kate who had a protest of her own.  
"He's my son, Jack. I'm going."  
"It's Jose. And no you're not."  
"I'm-"  
"YOU'RE **NOT** COMING, KATE."

Kate recoiled as Jack shouted at her face in his highest volume. He started off in the direction of the jungle, leaving Kate looking totally embarrassed, defeated and absolutely incredulous. Of course, she couldn't do anything about it because Jack had just yelled at her and whenever Jack yelled at her she instantly turned into the submissive, meek woman everyone knew she wasn't.

"Don't worry Kate, I'll bring our son back," Sawyer said. "And I'll take the guns."

She could only stand back and watch as Sawyer and Jack went off to look for her missing baby. The Olympics didn't seem all that important now. Nothing was more important the return of her poor, nameless son whom she loved more than anything in the world.

"But why did they go into the jungle to look for him?" Charlie asked, finally catching on. "He's right here."

Charlie pointed to the ground and Kate followed his hand until her eyes rested on her son, sitting on the sand. He looked up at her and smiled.

It would be dark soon but Sawyer and Jack were far from giving up. They'd come this far and there was no way in hell they were turning back without that adorable baby.

The weight of his backpack was slowing Sawyer down but he didn't care. He'd taken the guns because he'd need them to rescue his son. He'd need all the guns. All 42 of them. All the rifles that had straps were resting over his shoulders, the rest of the guns were in his backpack, his pockets, his belt hoops, sticking out of his jeans, his boots and there were about 7 that he held in his arms. And they were not enough.

"What the hell you carryin' in your backpack?" Sawyer asked Jack suddenly. The other man turned, squinted through the trees as if looking for directions and said, "diapers."

"Diapers?"   
"He'll need them," was all jack would say.

They walked in silence a little longer, looking in every direction for some sign that they were in the right place until Jack stopped and sat down on a fallen tree.

"What're you doin'?" Sawyer asked. "It's getting dark we gotta keep moving."  
"I need to rest," Jack said, dramatically taking the bag filled with fluffy diapers off his shoulder.  
Sawyer wasn't having any of this. "I'm leaving."

"Fine, leave. I knew you'd give up."  
"I'm leaving _you_, Jack ass," Sawyer said. "No way I'm taking a break while he's still out there."

Jack sucked his lips against his teeth in that manner that let everyone around him know that he was the most arrogant asshole in the camp. He shook his head and smiled bitterly. "What are you even doing out here, Sawyer?"

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. I'm trying to figure it out but I just have no clue what your possible motive could be."

Sawyer could only stop and look at him. 

"You wanna be the big hero, is that it?" Jack went on.   
"Are you kidding me, doc?"  
Jack only shrugged, waiting. 

Sawyer wasn't sure how to make this any clearer. "My _son_ is missing!" he shouted, hoping that shouting would help get it through Jack's head. "Why the hell are you here?"

Before Jack could explain that he was trying to be a "hero" and that he was "in love with Kate" and that this little rescue party would probably put him on her "good side" and that he might even get a "thank-you-fck" out of it and that Sawyer was really "cramping his style," they heard something in the bushes a few feet away. 

Sawyer whipped all the guns in the noise's direction but only Rousseau stepped into the clearing, the ever-present blank expression still fixed on her face.

"The French chick," Sawyer muttered. "Listen, have you seen a little boy? About a year old?"

"A baby?" Rousseau said in a rather dreamy state. 

"Yes, a baby," Sawyer continued. "He's got green eyes, freckles, dimples, 4 teeth and blonde hair that curls up in some places sticks straight in others. Have you seen him?"

"What is the child's name?" she asked.

Sawyer frowned. For the first time he was sad that he couldn't definitively say what his son's name was.

"It doesn't matter," he said, walking up to her. He was tired and desperate and he just wanted to see his son again. In his most earnest way he said, "Please tell me you've seen him."

"When I crashed on this island almost 18 years ago, I was already 7 months pregnant," Rousseau said in her dreaded French accent. "I had to deliver the child myself. A girl. Alex," she whispered dramatically.

"I had her with me for a very short time before they took her. The others," she said dramatically once again.

"We know," Jack said, stepping up. "Just tell me where the boy is and we wont have to kill you."

"It was a sunny day when it happened," she continued. "The sun was burning my skin and I feared it would burn my baby's skin too. So I took off my shirt. I wrapped it around her. And then they took her. The Others. They took my child," she paused. "And they took my shirt."

"Where's my son?"

"It was 5 years before I found another shirt to wear. Out in the jungle. I was naked. From the waste up," she said, and here came the dramatic whisper again: "for 5 years."

"Just tell me where the baby is!" Jack yelled.

"I still have not found the baby," she said. "Alex."

"Not Alex!" Sawyer said. "_My_ baby!"

The French woman looked at Jack and Sawyer both. They could just barely see her eyes behind all that hair.

"I was at the beach earlier. They sent me out into the jungle to tell you that they found the baby. Alex."

"Alex?"

"I mean, your baby. Whatever his name is."

Sawyer's face lit up while Jack just seemed sad that he wasnt the one to have found him.

Sawyer immediately started going back to the beach and Jack soon followed at a much slower pace.

"Alex!" Rousseau shouted. "Is a beautiful name!"


	8. Mango Surprise

**Chapter 8: Mango Surprise/ Even in his dreams**

Sawyer was so anxious to see his son again that he raced back to camp as if the guns didn't weigh a thing. For some reason he was sure that once he had him in his arms and once he looked at him he'd know his name. It would suddenly come to him. Just like what was supposed to happen when he held him for the very first time, just seconds after he was born.

But just as it had happened then, as he held him now he drew a blank. A name wasn't even on the tip of his tongue. He looked at his son and he had no idea what his name was.

But there was no time to worry about that now. Jack was throwing his party on the beach and everyone was expected to be there.

He had only found out about Ana Lucia's pregnancy a few hours ago but it was more than enough time for Jack to put together a joyous celebration. After all, this was big news- his sperm were alive and swimming! And oh yes, Ana Lucia was going to have another baby. Lots to celebrate!

The islanders had gathered once again at the beach just a little while after Sawyer and Jack had returned from their rescue mission and everyone was contributing something. Sayid had set up the Tiki torches around the camp, Charlie had brought along his guitar to supply the musical entertainment, Hurley had his sock puppet theater going for the children and Locke was making balloon animals out of what were this morning's newest breakthrough in island contraceptives.

Sawyer wasn't bringing anything along but his son but Kate carried with her a coconut husk bowl full of her specialty: Mango Surprise Soup.

"Looks like they got lots of food here," Sawyer said, surveying the beach and party-goers. "You probably didn't have to make the soup."

No, she really, really didn't have to make the soup. That soup had managed to make Sawyer sick every single time he had it. Kate was none the wiser, however, since he ate it up and told her it was delicious every time . Even the first time she made it, when only a spoonful went past his lips before he violently spit it out.

"Are you trying to kill me!" he'd asked, gagging and wiping his tongue as clean as possible. "What the hell was that?"  
He'd flailed about for a couple of minutes, waiting for Kate to answer him until he finally looked at her when she didn't. He could see a mixture of shame and sadness etched on her features.

"It's Mango Surprise," she'd said in a quiet voice, her chin quivering in that way that it did whenever she was about to cry. "You don't like it?"

Sawyer stopped dry-heaving long enough to realize that his answer might make her cry and he hated when she cried. And if he ever wanted to get laid again he'd have to lie.  
"It's delicious," he'd said, sitting back down. "There was just a, uh, fly in it."

"Oh!" Kate said, relieved. "Good. I thought you hated it or something."  
"Hated it?" He eyed his next spoonful like it was poison. "Where would you get an idea like that?"

She had smiled and put her hands on her hips triumphantly. "Figure out the surprise yet?"  
He'd held the chunky liquid in his mouth trying to keep it away from his tastebuds, though it found its way to every single crevice of his mouth. Unfortunately, he _had_ figured out the surprise. "Fish." He swallowed.

"And breast milk!"

Suffice to say, domesticity wasn't exactly Kate's forte but she continued making the soup anyway. And Sawyer continued getting laid. So not everything was lost.

"I'm going over to say hi to Jin and Sun. See if we can convince them to give Brooklyn another play date," Sawyer said, balancing his son on his other arm and looking across the beach to where the Korean couple were standing.

"Good idea," Kate answered. Out of the corner or her eye she could see Ana Lucia coming her way and she looked around desperately trying to find an excuse to avoid her. Sawyer was already halfway down the beach and there was no one close enough to her to start a conversation with. It was too late anyhow. Ana Lucia was already standing in front of her.

"Hey Ana Lucia!" Kate said in faux excitement.   
"Kate," Ana answered in greeting.

The two women were far from being best friends. They did have some things in common, though. Both had crash landed on an island. Both had given birth to children within one week of each other. And both were women. Well, that's as far as the similarities went, really. Either way, their shared experiences on the island had not changed the way they looked at each other.

And the way they looked at each other really accounted for why they weren't friends. Ana looked at Kate like a fugitive that needed to be put down. And Kate looked at Ana like a cop that needed to be avoided. It was one of the reasons Kate spent so little time with the other woman. And one of the reasons why Ana Lucia was never allowed near the guns.

"Another baby!" Kate said. "How exciting."  
"Yeah," Ana said unenthusiastically. "Sht happens."  
"Oh!" Even though Kate's excitement was fake it was already starting to die down. "That's one way to look at it."  
"No Kate, it's the only way," Ana Lucia continued, " We're all going to get pregnant again. It's just a matter of time."  
They stood and stared at each other for a while. Kate looked around to see if Sawyer was close by. He wasn't.

"Is that your soup?" Ana Lucia asked, suspiciously eyeing the large bowl in Kate's hands.  
"Yeah."  
"Or is it someone else's?"  
"No, it's mine."  
"You didn't steal it, did you?"  
"What?"  
"I said, you wouldn't do a thing like steal someone's soup," Ana Lucia said, enunciating the last few words. "Would you."  
It wasn't really a question the way she said it. Just something to let Kate know that she was onto her. Even though there was nothing to be onto.

"Ana, it's my soup. I made it for your party."  
"You know what we did back home to people who stole soup?"  
Kate waited.

"We shot 'em." Ana Lucia's eyes bulged at the word 'shot.' 

"Back home in Mexico?"  
"L.A."

And that seemed to be the end of that discussion. Or at least Kate hoped it was. She was about to congratulate Ana again and let her go so she could find Sawyer when the Latina said something else.

"You know, Jack really likes you." Kate was taken aback. She did not know what to say to this allegation. "You two would make a cute couple." Ana Lucia pointed to her 'Jate is Fate' button which had become part of her every-day wear. "You say the word and I can make it happen."

"I'm with Sawyer."  
"He dreams about you all the time."  
"Excuse me?"  
"I know because suddenly at three in the morning I'll wake up to him shouting the name 'KATE' in my ear." Her eyes bulged at the mention of Kate's name just like it had with the word 'shot.'

"Do you know what it's like to wake up almost every night at three in the morning to your name being screamed in my ear?"  
"Umm."  
"And do you have any idea what it's like to be 'lulled' back to sleep with the sound of stifled sobs?"  
"Sobs?"  
"Culo!" Ana Lucia said. "He cries after he screams your name. Sometimes he lactates."  
The silence that accompanied that statement was deafening. Kate, again, had no idea what to say. And she was glad for that, if only cuz that meant she wouldn't have to continue that conversation.

She really didn't want to know anything further about Jack's dreams and she really didnt want to be in this conversation at all but she just had to ask, "If you don't care about him, why are you still with him?"

Ana Lucia snorted, sort of in the superior way Jack snorted letting you know he knew so much more than you did. "It's not that I'm still with him," she said. "It's that he's still with me. He really loves those kids."

As if on cue, Jack bounded down to where they were standing, holding in his arms lil' Jose Eko. He was smiling like the proud parent he was, seemingly forgetting that his prides and joys had lost the first Olympic competition that morning.

"Look at that chin!" he said, admiring his little black son. "That's genetics, baby!"

Kate smiled. It was rare to see Jack as just a happy father who didn't care about saving people's lives or getting Kate to fall in love with him. She could appreciate this Jack.

"Is that soup?" He asked, noticing the bowl in Kate's hands.  
"Yep. Mango Surprise. It's sort of my specialty," Kate said sheepishly.  
"Sounds tasty. Mind if I have some?"

As Kate found Jack a bowl to serve him in, and Jack handed lil Jose to Ana, Sawyer came down to join them. He was happy to tell Kate that Brooklyn was allowed to play with Soon-Yi again so long as he wore all of his clothes. But just as he was about to convey the good news he saw that Jack was getting ready to eat some of her special soup.

"Whoa there doc, you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?" Sawyer asked him.  
"It's just soup, Sawyer," Kate said.  
"It's quite a powerful soup, honey. Let's see if Jose here likes it."

Jack glanced in Sawyer's direction before bringing the spoon to his lips. He could see the southerner's eye challenging him, as if daring him to just try and drink the soup. Jack found that strange. Until he swallowed the spoonful. And now he understood everything.

"Like it?" Kate asked.  
"Mmmm," was all Jack managed to say while trying to keep the liquidy substance from traveling back up his throat. "It's delicious."

Sawyer smiled his smug, dimpled smile at him, relishing in the man's veiled discomfort. He leaned forward and whispered. "Figure out the surprise yet, _Hermano_?"  
"Fish," Jack said, morosely.   
Sawyer made sure to see that Kate was distracted and then whispered, in just as perky a tone as when she had first told it to him, "and breast milk!"

But instead of this bit of information having the negative affect that Sawyer expected, Jack seemed to think it was the best surprise ever. He forgot all about his spoon, took the bowl in both hands, put it to his lips and started guzzling down all the Surprise he could get.

If Sawyer took a guess and figured that Jack found the soup to be newly delicious because in some sick, twisted way, it contained some part of Kate's breasts, then he'd be right.

"Hand me a bowl, Sweetheart!" Sawyer demanded. There was no way he was going to let Jack look like the hero who loved Kate's cooking when Sawyer had to try so hard to not to hate it.

He handed Brooklyn over to Kate in exchange for a bowl full of soup and sat down in front of Jack, ready to down the stuff.  
It quickly became a sort of competition between them as they stared at each other, drinking the Mango Surprise. Jack was easily winning.

Just as he began helping himself to seconds, he was interrupted by Locke who had been standing, like always, ten feet away.

"Stop eating!" he shouted. He cocked his head and rubbed his shiny scalp as if searching for the right words. "Tomorrow! Is the next competition."

Everyone was listening closely.  
"Tomorrow we will see. Which baby. Speaks first!"

He began to walk away and just as everyone was getting back to enjoying the party he turned and shouted, "We're not the only people. On this island who can speak. And we all know it!"

Everyone in the camp was asleep at this late hour, but only some were dreaming. Jack lay in his hut, beside Ana Lucia, dreaming of Kate. It wasn't unusual for him to be dream of her, though. In fact, a night without thoughts of Kate running through his mind was basically unknown to him at this point. But this dream was different. It was better. Maybe it was the Mango Surprise that had spurned it on, or more specifically what was _in_ the mango surprise, but either way, Jack had the most pleasant dream that night.

It took place in his hut, only Ana Lucia and his kids weren't around. It was just Jack and Kate in the hottest position he could possibly fathom; sitting across from each other, looking in each other's eyes. In his dream, Jack was fulfilling his ultimate fantasy. In his dream, he and Kate were verbally copulating.

"I'm taking off your shirt," Kate said, looking straight at Jack. Of course, Kate wasn't actually taking off his shirt. They were only _verbally_ copulating, after all. Touching would spoil the whole verbal thing. And where would the fun be in that? It just wasn't the Jate way. 

"And now you're feeling my hard-rock abs," Jack continued for her.  
"Oh yes," Kate said, a dead-serious expression on her face. "They are indeed hard as rocks." 

"Kate, don't you just love guys with hairy chests?" he asked in the dream. "Is looking at my hairy chest turning you on?"  
"Yes," Kate responded. "A hairy chest is extremely hot."  
"And not gross at all."  
"No, not gross at all."

Jack loved this dream very much. Ana Lucia could tell because he was turning over in his sleep with a doofy smile on his face, murmuring Kate's name. Soon, she expected, he'd scream it in her ear. Even though he strictly slept about three feet away from her, she'd inevitably find him a centimeter from her ear, screaming Kate's name as loud as he possibly could. It was like clockwork.  
She buried her head under her pillow in anticipation.

"And now," Jack continued in his dream with Kate. "I'm taking off your shirt and I'm feeling you up." His hands, even in his dream, stayed unmoving beside him. Even in his dream.

"Your breasts feel great," Jack said. "And on a totally unrelated subject, you remind me of my mother."

Kate smiled in his dream. "Of course I do," she said. "And now I'm taking off your pants. I love the tighty-whities, Jose."  
"Tell me they're masculine."  
"Oh they're definitely masculine."

Somehow, although Jack had already taken Kate's bra off, she had managed, after all these years wearing one, to tangle herself in it.

"Help me, Jose! I'm stuck!"

Jack took a deep breath and squinted. The way he did whenever he was about to save a person. "Don't worry, Freckles. I'll save you. It's what I do."  
"Don't call me Freckles," Kate snapped. "I hate that name."  
"I knew it!" Jack yelped, excitedly. "Now take off my underwear."

Kate did just that. Or at least she said she did. Again, _verbally copulating_.

"Ok, they're off."  
Jack smiled proudly. "Like what you see, baby?"  
"Well, it's okay I guess," she responded. "When you say 'okay' do you mean 'above average'?"  
"Well, maybe a little below average," Kate responded. "I thought it'd be bigger."  
Even in his dream.  
"Ok, forget that," Jack said. "Tell me more about my hairy chest."

This dream was getting Jack very, very hot. Across the camp in his own hut, Sawyer was having a similar dream. Well, actually it was the exact same dream. And also, it wasn't so much a dream as it was a nightmare.

Why was he having Jack's wet dream? God only knows. But it may have had something to do with the Mango Surprise.

He was just getting to the tighty-whitey part when he awoke with a start. It was as if his subconscious was trying to save him from the extent of Jack and Kate's verbal copulation.  
He shot up, sweat dripping off his forehead, and vomited. And for the first time, it wasn't cuz of the soup.

Well, maybe it was just a little.

Back in Jack's dream, from which he had not yet awaken, he and Kate were still going at it. Verbally.

"Jose, are you checking me out?" Kate asked him.

This question would always haunt Jack's dreams, no matter what he and Kate were doing. It was a question she had asked him a few days after they met and he stupidly told her he wasn't checking her out. He still doesn't understand why he did that. And he knows, without a doubt, that it was at that point that he blew it with Kate.

"You better believe I'm checking you out," Jack answered.  
"Good," Kate responded. "I love a guy who can check me out while feeling me up and screwing me at the same time."

"This sex is really, really good," Jack said.  
"Yes. Very, very good sex."  
They sat a good distance apart and they're hands, laying limply at their sides, didn't even twitch.

Even in his dream.

"Finally!" Kate exclaimed. "I just got-"

Jack's dream was interrupted by a familiar voice that wasn't Kate's.

"Jack!" it said. It sounded a lot like Ana Lucia.  
"You just got what?" Jack asked dream!Kate, trying to ignore the voice.

"Jose!" the voice rang out again. This time Jack seemed to be more drawn to it. He tried to focus on Kate more strongly.

His eyes roamed her perfectly still sitting figure. "He just got what?" He asked her.

"I just got wet!"

"CULO!" the other voice shouted, finally waking Jack up from his dream.

Jack was sitting up in an instant all the while innately finding a direct path to Ana Lucia's ear. At the top of his lungs, as if her ear was a microphone, Jack shouted "KATE!" before fully waking up.

The surely deafened Ana Lucia sneered and shoved him away. "They're calling for you!" she said.

"What? Who?"

"How the hell should I know," she said, disgusted. "It sounds like someone's dying."  
"Someone needs my help?" Saving someone's life was almost as hot as verbally copulating. Almost. 

"Ugh, yes! Someone needs some help, cant you hear them screaming your name! They're probably dead already!" Ana Lucia shouted. "Can't a woman get some sleep around here!"  
Now that Jack thought about it, he _could_ hear his name being shouted. It was Kate!

TBC...


	9. JACK'S MANHOOD

**Chapter 9: An episode named "Collision" you say? Nope, not familiar with it/ JACK'S MANHOOD**

The only thing that could make Jack hornier after just having a fantastic dream with Kate, was the idea of saving her life. Unfortunately for him, once he stepped foot inside her hut he realized she wasn't the one that needed saving. 

"Jose! Thank goodness you're here!" Kate said, rushing toward the doctor. "Sawyer's sick!"

Sawyer, fresh from his voyeuristic dream of Jack and Kate verbally copulating, was sitting up and desperately trying to keep the contents of his stomach from crawling up his throat. Again. Jack's presence, however, wasn't helping things.

Jack surveyed the scene half-heartedly. Fresh from _his_ dream of verbally copulating with Kate, he didn't much feel like having to deal with Sawyer at the moment.

"So he's thrown up?" He said sighing.  
Kate nodded nervously, keeping her eyes on Sawyer.

"It was probably your soup," Jack said.

Ironically enough, for the first time it wasn't the soup making Sawyer sick.  
"Just have him drink some water."

"My soup?" Kate asked incredulously, snapping her head in Jack's direction. "Sawyer loves my soup. Of course it wasn't the soup."

Jacked rolled his eyes and shrugged his shoulders. He looked at the gagging man before him and realized that no matter how much he hated him he still had an obligation as a doctor to fix him. And it went without saying that he had an obligation to Kate to make himself look like the most awesome guy alive. So he squinted and stood akimbo, taking a deep breath. He was going to save a man's life tonight.

"Ok," he said, so full of pride for doing the right thing it was almost too much to take. "Hand me that bottle of water."

As Kate went to get the water, Jack got ready to perform a miracle. He knelt down in front of Sawyer, much to his chagrin. Sawyer would've have tried to speak but talking only triggered more potential vomiting (possibly a subconscious reaction to being privy to such loose verbal talk). Instead he put his arms up, motioning for Jack to stay away and trying to keep him at a good distance but his signals were utterly misread. Jack took Sawyer's hands in his own, squeezed them and then whispered, "I'm going to save your life tonight, little buddy." And then he winked.

Sawyer was horrified. And his horror only increased when he glanced towards Jack's lap and realized that he very well could have been staring at a pitched tent. Though, it was quite a small pitched tent so he couldn't be sure. 

Just then, Kate returned with the bottle of water and situated herself next to Sawyer's left side.  
"What's happening, why is he shaking?" Kate asked. Sawyer was shaking because he seemed to be the only to notice the pitched tent Jack was sporting. And cuz Jack was still holding his hands all the while. And he had just had a dream of Jack copulating.

"The soup may have gotten into his bloodstream," Jack said, with utmost conviction. "If this water doesn't stop the vomiting, he may go into shock. Hold him up."

Now, none of this sounded right to Sawyer but Kate insisted on helping Sawyer sit up all the same. Even if he already was sitting up.  
"Ok, I got him," Kate said.

And Jack insisted on holding Sawyer's chin and- as a licenced medical physician- pouring an entire bottle of water down his throat in one gulp.  
"Swallow, swallow," Jack murmured. But Sawyer did not swallow. Instead, he took the water that was in his mouth and sprayed it in Jack's face.  
"Damnit!" Jack whispered.

"Let me do it," Kate said, grabbing the bottle.  
"No, no, I got it," Jack said.  
Kate fixed him with a determined stare. "I can do it."  
Sawyer wanted to tell them all that he could do it but they didn't look like they'd listen.

Kate wrapped her arm around Sawyer's head and pressed him against her bosom. He didn't mind that part.

"Sawyer, it's me, Snugglebottom."

It was at this point that she remembered Jack was in the room.

"I mean Kate," she said.

Sawyer didn't know why she was identifying herself, considering he was fully conscious and coherent, but he went with it anyway.

"You need to listen to me, ok?" she went on. "The only way that you are going to get better, is if you take this water. So I need you to swallow it, ok?"

Jack turned his face away, not wanting to witness this very intimate moment between Kate and Sawyer. Also, since he was a fan of all things verbal, Kate's whispering was starting to turn him on. He was trying his best to ignore her.  
Unfortunately for Sawyer, he could see just how much Kate's whispering was turning Jack on.

"Ok here we go," Kate said.  
Kate gave him a sip of the water bottle and swallowed. Easy enough. Maybe if he drank enough of it he could tell them about the Pepto-bismal in his stash.

"Well," Jack said, taking in a deep breath. "That didn't seem to work. We're gonna have to amputate. Quick Kate, pick a limb."

Prompted by the urgency in Jack's voice, Kate looked down at Sawyer, her eyes darting from limb to limb, finally resting at his groin. She gulped. She couldn't decide. Then she remembered how she had chosen her religion years ago. _Eeny Meeny Minee Mo_. And just as her slightly pointed finger hovered over Sawyer's right leg, she seemed to suddenly realize something.

"Wait, what!"

Jack chuckled good-naturedly. "I was just joking," he said. And then in all seriousness added, "But while I'm here, do you want me to give him a vasectomy?"

The events of last night (or more appropriately, earlier that morning) were harrowing for Sawyer. Not surprisingly, as soon as Jack mentioned a vasectomy Sawyer was well enough to physically throw him out of the hut.

But he was trying to put it all past him. At the moment he was standing in front of a row of babies at the beach's treeline, ready to participate in the second competition. He stood beside Kate who was sitting their son down on the high chairs Locke had spent all night making for this event.

"So we're doing this, right?" Sawyer asked her.  
"Yep."  
"Whatever he says."  
"What ever he says," Kate repeated.

Sawyer and Kate had decided that morning that their son's first word would be his name. This, of course, was a terrible idea but they figured that he'd heard hundreds of names being thrown at him since the day he was born that he was bound to have a favorite. And for some reason they believed he'd tell them his favorite at this competition. They agreed to honor his decision no matter what it was.

A little further down, Jack stood preparing his kids to win. Well, one kid in particular. Though all 4 Cortez-Shephards were present, Jack was putting all his energy behind Josefina. He stood behind her, rubbing her shoulders the way a trainer might do to his boxer before a fight. He had chosen Josefina out of all his children to win this competition because if anyone was going to speak that day it'd be the loudest baby on the island. His darling Josefina.

On Sawyer and Kate's other side stood Jin and Sun and they didn't look too worried about their chances. Unbeknownst to everyone else, Soon-Yi was already speaking proficiently in Korean. This competition was shoe-in for her.

"Welcome everyone!" Locke shouted to the competitors, their parents, and the crowd of islanders who had come to watch. "To the second. Baby Olympics competition!"

Charlie clapped.

"These babies are at the prefect. Age to start speaking!" Locke went on. "As soon as one of them says. Something they win! Begin!"

All the parents stepped back and let their kids do their thing but they still tried to encourage them from the sidelines.

"Alright Josefina, win this thing!" Jack told his daughter. Josefina opened her little mouth, tilted her head back, squinted, and screamed.

"Come on, Sweetie, what's your name?" Kate asked her son. Wendel (Kate's new temporary name for him) smiled and said nothing.

"Speak," Jin told Soon-Yi in Korean. And she answered.

"We win!" Jin exclaimed, raising his hands in the air and jumping in place. "What are the correct American phrases? In your face? Suck it? Up you head!" He hugged Sun, who seemed to be embarrassed at his sudden outburst. "Save a horse ride a cowboy!" He continued in his excitement. 

Locke, official moderator of the event, and Jack, angry, competitive parent, both walked over to Soon-Yi.

"What do you mean, you win?" Jack said. "I didnt hear anything."  
"Neither did I," Locke added.

"She said she doesn't want to be an engineer when she grows up."  
"Can she say it again?" Locke asked.  
Jin asked her to repeat it and she did.

"We win!" Jin repeated. "Save a horse ride a–"

"That!" Jack shouted. "That was gibberish!"  
"It is Korean!" Jin yelled back.  
"It sounded like hamsters being tortured!"  
Sayid, who until then had been an innocent bystander, wedged himself between Locke, Jin and Jack. "That is not the sound of hamsters being tortured," he said, his heavy-lidded eyes emotionless. "I wish I did not know this information. Unfortunately for all of us, I do."

"If she wins this then Josefina should win too," Jack complained to Locke.  
"Josefina is only screaming at the top of her lungs," Jin protested. "While Soon-Yi is speaking in full sentences."  
"Josefina is singing beautiful music!" Jack said, defending his little girl.

Now Charlie wedged himself in between Locke, Jack, Jin and Sayid and in a thoughtful voice that was directed at no one in particular said, "Should've made her the lead singer."

"Enough!" Locke shouted. "Soon-Yi is a few months. Older than the rest of the kids. And a hell of. A lot smarter. It would be unfair to let her. Win! But I will allow her to stay in. The competition. If she says one word. In English!"

Jin found this to be very unfair and his distress only made Jack happier. There was still a chance for one of his kids to prove victorious. 

The games continued at a terribly slow pace. Aside from the never-ending shriek of Josefina's screams, none of the kids were saying a peep. It was like watching a tennis match. Or a golf game. Or just about the most boring sport you can think of. Only more boring.

Sawyer may have been the most bored of all. He would've given anything for any of the children to say something just so that he could go home. In fact, he tried to scare Jack Juan Locke into speaking but all that baby did was pull a knife on him. He tried bribing Jack Hugo with a banana but the kid was already just about knee deep in a tub of ranch dressing. And it didn't seem like anything would get his own son to talk at all. All Orange did (Sawyer's new temporary name for him) did was sit and smile. Sawyer was beginning to think his kid had turned out dumb.

He snuck away from Kate's side and walked to the souvenir stand Hurley had set up. There wasn't much of interest to him. Just a bunch of coconuts.  
"You're selling coconuts, Pudgy?"  
"Not just coconuts," Hurley answered. "They're coconut heads of all the kids." When Sawyer stared at him blankly he felt the need to go on. "I drew faces on them. Buy one of your favorite team."  
"Favorite team?"  
"I got the Fordian Slip right here," Hurley said, handing Sawyer a coconut. The drawing was supposed to look like his son. In reality, it was just a smiley face.

"How much are you getting for these?"  
"They're a coconut each"

Aside from being the perfect fruit to draw baby heads on, coconuts had become the highest form of currency ever since Jack decided to get rid of all of them a long time ago.

"I want half of what you make," Sawyer said.  
"What, dude?"  
"Royalties! They bare my son's likeness." Again, they were just smiley faces.

He walked away before Hurley had a chance to answer him and he felt pretty good about himself. He had almost forgotten what it was like to threaten people and demand money from them stuff. He decided to spend the rest of the competition entertaining himself in the only way he knew how. Conning.

He spotted Jack, his next mark, a few paces away. He was pouring water into Josefina's open mouth. Amazingly, it did not deter her screaming. "Be the bandana, Josefina." Jack was saying. "Sing the bandana. _Say_ the bandana."

"How's it going there, Doc?" Sawyer asked, ambling over.  
"I'm busy, Sawyer. What do you want?"  
"Nothin'. Just wonderin' if I could ask you for an autograph."

Jack spun around, seemingly forgetting about Josefina's quest for the gold. Sawyer, meanwhile, unwrapped a band-aid and placed it on the bridge of his nose.

"An autograph?" Jack said.  
"For saving my life last night."  
"Oh," Jack said, touched. "I knew this day would come but I never expected you to ask me so soon." 

Sawyer smiled and so did Jack. It was starting to get weird.   
"So?" Sawyer said, breaking the silence.  
"Got a pen?"  
"Do ya one better. Got a marker!" Sawyer said, digging one out of his pocket and taking out a piece of paper from his jacket pocket.  
"Do you always carry markers with you?"  
Sawyer frowned. "Just sign the damn paper."

"Should I write you a small, inspirational note?" Jack asked. "I know some jokes, do you want a joke?"  
"Just your full name would be great."

Ten minutes later Sawyer was wandering through the crowd, trying to sell Jack's manhood.

"Jack's manhood?" Charlie asked, looking over the paper Sawyer had presented him with. It was titled **JACK'S MANHOOD** and read, "I, Jack Shephard, being of sound mind and body, hereby bequeath my manhood to the owner of this document." And it was signed 'Jack Jose Gary Shephard.'  
"Is this really Jack's signature?"  
"It's all there in the fine print," Sawyer whispered.

The fine print read, 'P.S. I'm a giant douche.'

Charlie, prompted by Libby's confession that she was only sleeping with him because she enjoyed the company of women, thought it apt to buy Jack's manhood. Or any manhood for that matter.

"I'll give you three coconuts for it," he said.  
"You got yourself a deal." Sawyer smiled like the proud conman he was. He still had it. "Now, can I interest you in some gen-u-ine gold watches?" He opened up the flap of his jacket to reveal about 30 gold watches dangling from the lining.

Back at the treeline, Kate was trying to get Wendel to repeat after her but to no avail.  
"Stewart," she said, cheerily. "Elliot? Spencer! Webster?"  
"Where's Webster?"Sawyer asked, sneaking up behind her.  
"Where were you?"she asked. "I think Wendel's about to say something."

They both looked at their son in anticipation. The boy had openned his mouth looking like his was about to say something. Kate and Sawyer both leaned in. And then it happened.

"Jate."

Sawyer and Kate continued looking at him. Stunned. Without talking or even looking at each other they both seemed to come to a unanimous decision.

"Did you hear something?" Kate said.  
Sawyer swallowed. "No. I didn't hear nothin'."

Acknowledging that their child's first word was Jate would've meant that they'd have to name him that. And speak that word for the rest of their lives. And so they pretended their little 1 year-old hadnt said a thing. This first word didnt count.

"I think we. Have a winner!" Locke shouted, walking over to Sawyer and Kate.  
Even if they wanted to pretend they hadnt heard anything, the rest of the camp had.

"No, no, no," He said, stomping over to Sawyer and Kate. "I didnt hear anything." He had heard something. But if Sawyer and Kate could pretend they hadn't then so could he.

"The baby said. Jate," Locke said. "And we all know it!"

Jack clenched his jaw and scowled. He wanted to win. Badly. So badly in fact, that he was willing to undermine the whole Jate phenomenon.  
"Jate..." he began, finding it physically hard to get he words out, "isnt even a word!" he finally spat. "I made it up! It means nothing! Jate is not fate. Jate is not the meaning of my exsistence, Jate is not going to save the world one day! It's not... it's not anything."

And that settled that. The games went on and Jack had to satisfy himself with secretly believing that Sawyer and Kate's baby was a jater. Yes, he had made up the word jater too. 

The competition could've lasted 8 more hours if it wasn't for Jack Eko Jr. Just as Jack was begining to lose hope that Josefina would ever just stop screaming and speak, Lil' Jose won the game for his team.

He lifted his tiny arm, pointed a finger in Eko Sr.'s direction and in a barely perceptible Nigerian accent said, "father." Jack leaped in between Big Eko and Little Eko, positioning himself right in front of the black child's finger and said, "Yes! I'm your father!"

"Jack 'Lil Jose' Eko Cortez-Shephard Jr. Wins!" Locke announced.

And Jack couldn't have been any happier. Even if Sawyer did secretly sell his manhood.


	10. Making Friends

**Chapter 10: Making Friends/ Kate's A Whore**

"A boys' night out?" Jack had to think about this for a minute.

Kate had come to him to have a private chat and the first thing she said was, "I want you to do me a favor."  
Blinded by his delusional infatuation with her, Jack only heard, "I want you."

He had stopped staring at her face in a trance-like state long enough to understand that she was actually asking him for a favor and sooner or later he'd have to start listening to the words coming out of her mouth.

"You want me to organize the whole thing?"  
"Yeah," she said. "What do you think?"

He didn't know why she was asking him to make a Boys' Night Out. Or why he'd already agreed in his head the very moment she suggested it. All he knew was that Kate had come to him and they were sitting together. Alone. And he had this idea going that they were flirting. And in his mind, and his mind alone, they were having a jate moment. And since jate moments were few and far between these days he tried his best to prolong it.  
"And you want me to do this tonight?"  
"Sure. You can invite Jin. Sawyer will go."

He wouldn't and Kate knew this. But with her manipulative skills and sex appeal she always convinced him it was in his best interest to do whatever she told him to. And if it came to it she could just withhold sex. That always seemed to work.

"I can pull something together tonight," Jack said. "But what's the catch?  
"The catch?"  
"Why are you asking me to do this?"

Kate masterminded this idea for Sawyer's own good. To put it simply, Sawyer needed more friends. And it broke her heart that he was being typecast as the "villain" or the "bad guy" just because he was inclined to call people mean names or laugh at them when they were down or con them out of all of their possessions when within 2 feet of him. And besides, she needed to spend some time with her own girlfriends. Well, mostly just Sun.

"I'm asking you cuz I know you'll do it."

Jack interpreted this as "I'm asking you cuz you're the only one who can do it, lover."  
Even though her answer did not quench his curiosity, he was perfectly happy with it. 

"Can I invite you?" he asked.  
"It's a boys' night out," Kate explained.  
"Right," Jack responded, chuckling a little. "Sorry. So what time can I pick you up?" Kate sighed. How could she explain this in the simplest way possible? "Boys' night out means that the boys have their own night out." She felt a little redundant but that was usually the case with Jack. "You guys can go fishing or something. Or build stuff. Shoot some boar. Sawyer will bring the guns."

He wouldn't. Not willingly, anyway. But unbeknownst to Sawyer she'd already packed them in his bag right next to a mango sandwich and a spare change of underwear.

"I'll make it a poker night," Jack said.   
"Great, Sawyer loves playing poker with you."  
In fact, he hated it. But oh well.  
"You like poker too, don't you Kate?"   
"Sure, I guess."  
"I'll save a space for you at the table."  
Kate rolled her eyes but Jack didn't notice. He was too busy enjoying his little erotic jate fantasy he liked to call 'a moment.'

-----------------------------------------

"There is no way in hell I'm gonna be a part of one of Jacko's homoerotic fantasies he calls a boys' night out," Sawyer exclaimed. "You can forget about it."  
Kate was back at her and Sawyer's hut balancing her son on her lap as Sawyer stomped around in a mopey tirade. She had casually mentioned the Boys Night Out and just as she'd guessed he wasn't going for it.  
"It's just a few hours. It could be fun."

"Like Jose and his jolly crew even know what the definition of fun is."

Kate grimaced like she had a bad taste in her mouth. "Jose and his jolly crew...?"  
Sawyer frowned. "Jose and his seven dwarfs?" he asked, unsure.  
"There would only be five of you, including Jack."  
"Jose and his army of..."- Sawyer racked his brain- "...crash-landed persons from all walks of life... who happen to all have some sort of deep, dark past and... "

"Honey, you're losing your touch."  
"Oh I know that!" Sawyer snapped.

"You should spend more time with them. I'm sure they'll give you more material to work with."  
"Why do you want me to go to this thing so bad anyway?"

Kate hesitated before answering this. She knew that no matter what she said he'd probably be offended by it. And he'd most definitely be offended by the truth.  
"I just want you to make friends."

And he went off on his mopey tirade again.  
"Make friends! I have friends!"  
"Books and guns don't count."

He was hurt by this. Not only because Kate believed him to be pathetic enough to only have books and guns as friends but also because, technically she was right. And was it so wrong of him to love those books and guns to death?

"Don't you want to be a good influence on Fletcher?" she said, trying a new approach. "He's one diaper slip away from completely alienating Soon-Yi, and all of Ana and Jack's kids are… weird. He's running out of potential friends."  
"He can hang out with Claire's bastard."   
"Don't call Aaron a bastard."  
"Well he is."  
And, really, she couldn't argue that. Her kid may have been considered white trash even in island terms but she still wouldn't want him hanging around Claire's son. "I don't want Fletcher anywhere near Aaron. He eats paste."

One may think it'd be hard for a kid to find paste on a deserted island but it didn't help matters that this specific kid had a certain bald father-figure that just happened to make adhesive out of slaughtered animals' insides. And so that's how cute little Aaron became the kid who eats paste.

Sawyer walked over to where Kate sat and gently lifted Dakota out of his mother's hands. Sawyer may have had trouble making friends when he was little but he could already tell that would never be a problem for his son. Sawyer was a miserable little kid and in contrast Dakota smiled too much for his own good. He seemed happy. And he was a looker. He'd probably spend a good portion of his life having girls like Soon-Yi falling in love with him and swatting away girls like Josefina.  
Sawyer held him up against his chest and peered into his green eyes. They were just like Kate's.

"Dakota'll be ok. He can hang out with me."

Even though Kate was touched by his sudden sincerity she was not done convincing him to go. She had to pull out the big guns.

"I need you to go to your boys night so I can go to my girls night. Libby's going to teach us about Tantric Sex." 

This was a lie. There was no Tantric Sex seminar at her Girls Night Out. In fact Libby wasnt even invited. Because she was a slut. But Kate could tell that this little white lie had worked.

"Fine, I'll go," Sawyer said. "But believe you me, I wont have fun. And I wont be making any friends either."  
-------------------------------  
"Who's ready to have fun and make friends?"

Jack slapped Sawyer on the back and found a seat across from him at the makeshift table. Boys' Night Out had officially begun and the boys in question (Jack, Sawyer, Jin, Charlie and Hurley) had decided to use Hurley's hut as their official 'Boys' Night Out Bachelor Pad.' Even if Hurley was the only bachelor among them.

"I don't have chips and dip but I do have fish crackers and mayonnaise," Hurley said, passing two bowls around.

Sawyer took the bowls and cast their contents a dismal look. While he felt more bored than Charlie at an in-store autograph signing, the other guys seemed to be enjoying themselves. Sawyer briefly wondered if any of them had ever been to a party in their lives.

"Have any of you ever been to a party in your lives?"

"Sawyer, I'm a _doctor_," Jack said. And he said this in a way that implied that was answer enough. "And I've been to Regina." He said this in the same way.  
"Anyway this isn't a party. It's a Boys' Night Out."

"So what you got on the itinerary, Doc? We play charades? Tell each other our deepest secrets?"  
"Even better," Jack answered. "We play poker."

"Poker," Sawyer muttered to himself. He dipped a tiny orange fish-shaped cracker in a vat of mayo and already made up his mind that the girls were probably having more fun hearing about exotic sexual positions or painting their toenails or mud wrestling- or whatever it was girls did at parties- than the boys were having now.  
"Can we still tell each other secrets?" Charlie eagerly asked as Jack began to deal the cards.

Yes, Sawyer thought. The girls were definitely having more fun.  
-------------------------------------------

Kate and Sun sat silently under a tree watching the tide come in. This was the very spot they'd sat in together so many times before. It was the essence of their friendship, really. Sitting together here, looking pensive and occasionally plotting to poison people. Kate missed sitting here with Sun so she was glad they could spare some time to do it exactly as they used to. The only difference was they now had babies sitting on their laps.

"This is nice isn't it?" Kate asked, keeping her eyes on the ocean.  
"Yes," Sun answered, simply.  
They both had relatively quiet children and so the only sounds around them were the wind and ocean.  
"Why don't we do this anymore?"  
"We're still friends, Kate," Sun reassured her.  
"But not like before. I was there with you when you first found out you were pregnant."  
"And I was there with you when you revived Sawyer after he first found out you were pregnant."  
"And I helped you wash the blood out of Jin's clothes that one time he came out of the jungle inexplicably covered in the stuff."  
"And I helped you burn all of Sawyer's possessions that time when you said you wanted to do it on a ... what do you call it?"  
"A whim."  
"Yes, a 'whim.'"

The women smiled as they remembered these pleasant memories.

"Things have changed," Sun fessed up. "We have children now. And we do not have much in common anymore."  
"Yes we do."  
Kate tried to think of something they shared in common but it was harder than she thought. And for Kate's sake Sun tried to think of something as well.

"I know," Sun said. "We're both married to temperamental men who almost died on a raft."  
"Right!" Kate beamed. But her delight quickly died down. "Well, I'm not technically married to Sawyer. And he's really only temperamental for show. But he still almost died on the raft all the same."

Kate could see the dubious expression on Sun's face and decided to come up with another thing in common quick.  
"Oh!" she said. "Remember when you once told me you've never slept with a Chinese man?"  
Sun nodded.  
"Well neither have I."

This was, of course, a lie. Kate had slept with a Chinese man. She'd slept with quite a few. But the white lie seemed to brighten Sun's spirits and so Kate figured it was worth it.  
--------------------------------------

"I have never told this to Sun," Jin began, eyeing his cards apologetically. "But I am actually Chinese. I was born in China while my parents were vacationing there."

Though they were still playing poker, the boys had decided (ignoring Sawyer's protests) to play the 'telling secrets' game he'd inadvertently suggested earlier. He suspected the game of charades was just around the corner.

"Please, Sun must never know. It would upset her greatly."  
While Jin looked more heartbroken than Charlie when he appeared on VH1's Behind The Music no one at the table quite understood why being Chinese was such a big deal.  
"What's the difference?" Sawyer asked. "Ya'll look the same."

"Ohsuckacow, Sawyer!" Jin yelled in one breath, his English expressions still not completely up to par yet. "We are a diverse people. Let us hear one of your secrets so we can judge you."

There were a number of secrets Sawyer could have chosen to expose that night. Like the story of his parents' murder-suicide or of the man he'd killed back in Australia or even of his real name for starters. But he'd chosen to go a different route by exposing not one of his own secrets, but one of Kate's. In a boastful manner he planted that smug grin of his and leaned forward over the table so that the other guys did too. 

"Kate's only slept with white guys her whole life."  
--------------------------------------

"Filipino?" Sun asked.  
"Yes," Kate responded.

"Middle Eastern?"  
"Yes."

"Latino?"  
"God yes."

"African?"  
"Do you mean regular African or South African?"  
"Both."  
"Yes."

"Canadian?"  
Kate hesitated, embarrassed. "Yes."

"But never Chinese?"  
"Nope."

"Wow. I must say, Kate, you sure do like your...sex with strange men."  
Kate smiled bashfully. "It's important to be cultured."  
------------------------------------

"Tell us more about sex and the things it has to do with Kate!" Jack shouted. Yes, he shouted it. He was a little too eager to hear about this subject and Sawyer was freaked out just enough to keep mum on it.

"Why don't you tell us about Ana Lucia," Charlie asked. "She's a Latina, she's gotta be spicy in the sack."  
Jack chuckled and nodded knowingly. "Yes, we wetbacks are rather spicy, arent we, Hurley?"  
The men all awkwardly stared as Jack jabbed Hurley's arm with his elbow.

"As you're all well aware, Ana Lucia and I have been practicing abstinence." There was more awkward staring. "But when we did have sex it was pretty," Jack tried to search for the right word. "Well, let me put it this way. You know anything about Hyenas in heat?"

"No," Charlie said.

"Well she's a lot like that," Jack responded. "There wasn't a night I went to bed without a basketball-sized bruise on my groin."

"I think that's a bit more than we wanted to know," Sawyer tried to interrupt but Jack's voice over-powered his.  
"You know how they say it feels like warm apple pie?" he went on slyly. Everyone nodded. Sawyer groaned in dread. "Well, I think the more accurate description for Ana Lucia would be it feels like the inside of a shark's mouth."

Sawyer sat dumbfounded, completely disbelieving what he was hearing. "What the fck?" he muttered.

"Dude, I don't know what the inside of a shark's mouth feels like," Hurley said. Though if baby Jack Hugo was any indication, he clearly did.

Sawyer could not believe Hurley wanted to continue this conversation.

"Ok then, imagine a bag full of rocks," Jack tried explaining. "Or a condom made of sandpaper, or a filthy marsh full of angry crocodiles."

"Ohhhh, gotcha."

"Wow," Jin exclaimed. "That is so different from what sex with Sun is like."

Everyone turned to look at Jin. For some reason they were all eager to hear what the quiet little Asian minx Sun was like in bed. Sawyer knew the quiet girls were the loudest between the sheets.

"In bed Sun is like a smooth, hard... how do you say it? Mannequin."

"Mannequin?" Sawyer echoed. "You sure you didn't get your translations mixed up there, Chino?"  
"I am sure. She rigid and does not say a word. And she is always very cold."  
"Cold?"  
"Very, very cold."

Sawyer was a bit disillusioned to hear this. So Jack and Jin both had pretty messed up sex lives. Hurley had had a go at Libby two years ago but that ended almost immediately after they had slept together. No surprise there. Charlie was sleeping with her now and judging by her wacko therapy sessions and the Tantric Sex lessons she was supposedly having with the girls, she seemed like she would be a wildfire in bed.

"Libby is a wildfire in bed," Charlie confirmed. "The only thing is I wish she wouldn't call me Charlotte all the time."

Sawyer had to stifle a laugh.

"And I also wish she's stop referring to my privates as a strap-on."

But he couldn't suppress the laughter any longer. He burst out in it, doubling over until he couldn't even catch his breath.

"Oi!" Charlie barked. "You're a right tosser!"

"So we all have our problems in the sack," Jack said, backing Charlie up. "I"m sure there's something Kate does that you can't stand." He really only brought this up so he could hear more about Kate and sex. Together. In one sentence.

Sawyer's laughing died down as he tried to think of anything that was wrong in his sex life with Kate. He couldn't think of anything. But all eyes were on him. He'd never succumbed to peer pressure up until this very moment.

"Ok," he began, "so get this. Back when she was pregnant she wanted to have sex all the time."

The guys stared at him quietly.

"That was a problem?" Jack said slowly. "She wanted to have sex _too much_?"

"So she's not like, the man in the sack, then?" Charlie asked.  
"I'm the only man in there, Charlotte."

"And she's not stiff as a board?" Jin asked.  
"Exactly the opposite."

"And she doesn't have a third nipple and hair in places that shouldn't have hair?"  
"What the hell are you talking about, Jackass?" Sawyer was beginning to think Jack had mistakenly had sex with a boar rather than Ana Lucia... It would explain Josefina.

"So there's absolutely nothing wrong with her?" Hurley said.  
"Nope. Kate's perfect." And it was only after he's said the words that he finally began to realize it. And not only to realize it but to appreciate its truth. He really lucked out with Kate and these guys were inadvertantly helping him understand that.  
"There must be stuff she wont do."  
"You'd be surprised," Sawyer said.  
"Tell me she at least loves to cuddle."

"Hates it." Kate was more of a 'wham-bam-thank-you-man' kind of gal. There was the occasional cuddle here and there but it was always when Sawyer didnt mind it. Or actually even preferred it. And he was too much of a guy to admit he occasionally liked to cuddle. So he left it at "she hates it."

-----------------------------------

Kate hated this. She didnt know how she'd ended up being Sun's only pupil for a botany lesson but here she was, watching the woman sort out a number of different plants. She originally thought to prove her friendship to Sun by taking an interest in something she liked. She just didnt think Sun's only interest consisted of categorizing plants.

"I know they are easy to confuse," Sun began, "but this one is for syphilis and this one is for chlamydia."

Kate closed her eyes in boredom. "Sun, I don't have an STD." 

Kate's idea of being 'cultured' was Sun's idea of being undoubtedly infested with sexually transmitted diseases.  
"Are you sure?" Sun asked. "This one is for gonorrhea."

"Of course I'm sure! And that doesn't work," she said gesturing to the plant.  
"People have sex, Sun. Some more than others," Kate tried to explain. "There must be a couple of guys in your past that you've been intimate with."  
"Jin."  
"Besides for Jin."

Sun bowed her head, looking sorrier than Charlie at a DriveShaft concert. "There was another," she said, simply.

To Sun this was a big piece of information she was sharing. She assumed Kate knew that she'd waited to have sex only after marriage. But Kate wasn't even thinking of the implications of that.

"You've only slept with two guys your whole life?" Kate asked in disbelief. "Wow. Jin must be quite the dynamo in bed."  
"When you say 'dynamo' do you mean fast? Because Jin is fast."  
"Fast?"  
"Very, very fast."

Kate frowned. She was saddened to know that her friend's sex life wasn't everything it should be. "Sun, you should do something about this. You've got to enjoy yourself just as much as he does."  
------------------------------------

"And that'll assure that she's enjoying herself as much as you are," Sawyer said.

"Ohhh," the men said collectively.

Sawyer looked around, sort of surprised. By the guys' reactions it seemed like there was a good amount of women on the island experiencing no pleasure at all. They should all be thanking him for revealing the tricks of his trade.  
If he didnt know any better he'd say he had become the most popular guy at the table. And this new realization- that he was actually making friends- gave him the confidence to steal all their money (coconuts).

"You boys ready to play some poker now?" he asked. "Lets have some fun."  
------------------------------------

"You need a little fun in your life," Kate told Sun. "You are a beautiful woman. Let me fix you up with someone."  
"Fix me up? But I am already with Jin."  
"I'm not telling you to cheat on Jin," Kate said, giggling as if Sun was off her rocker for even thinking that. "But you need someone to remind you how amazing you are. And it seems that in two minutes Jin cant do that."  
"It is not always two minutes," Sun corrected her quickly. "Sometimes it goes up to five."

Kate sighed. She looked around the beach and saw that Locke was nearby. But then again he always was, wasn't he?

"Locke!" she called.

"What are you doing?" Sun hissed. She was apprehensive about Kate 'fixing her up' with Locke and rightly so.  
"Sun, did you know that a lot of white men have Asian girl fetishes?"  
"Excuse me?"  
"It's true. Locke probably has one. He's been to Nam, right?"  
"I am not Vietnamese, I am Korean."  
"Right, I know." Kate did not want to offend Sun. "It's just that to a person like Locke you'll all probably look the same."

Locke had reached them. "Did you call. Me Kate?"

"Yeah," she responded. "Sun needs a bit of a confidence boost. You think you can help her out?"  
"Sure," Locke said. "Sun, you're body is perfectly built. To hunt boar."  
"Uh, that wasn't exactly what we were looking for," Kate said. "I meant she needs a compliment about how–"  
"I know. I heard your. Whole conversation I was. Only ten feet. Away."  
"Oh."

"And I think Sun's. A beautiful woman with a good. Head on her shoulders. And I'm not just. Saying that because of my Asian girl. Fetish."  
"See?" Kate said, turning to Sun. "I told you that you–"  
"You on the. Other hand," Locke said interrupting her. "You need a good talking-to."

"What?"  
He knelt down in front of her until he was at eye-level and fixed her with a stern look.  
"Now I don't know if you've. Ever had a father figure in your life Katherine. But I'll be glad to step up. For tonight."  
"What are you saying?" she asked.  
"What I'm saying is. You gotta wait till marriage. You wouldn't want a child out. Of wedlock would you?"

He smiled, content with his speech and stood up again, patting Kate's son on the head as he did.

Sun and Kate were left watching him walk away, just waiting for those final words of wisdom he always bestowed on people just before he completely disappeared.  
"It's ok Kate," he said. "You're not the only. Whore on this island. And we all know it."  
-------------------------------------

"You boys are easier to beat than a two dollar whore," Sawyer said, collecting his pot of coconuts and mangos. He looked up when he felt everyone's eyes on him. "What? It's just a saying."

Jack was not happy with the way things were going in this game. He'd already lost more than half of his coconuts to Sawyer.  
"Last time we played I kicked your ass."  
"Last time we played I let you win," Sawyer said.

"You let me win?" Jack said, looking more upset than Charlie when someone took his rattle.  
"Course I did. I was feeling charitable."  
"Let's play one more hand," Jack said. "And this time we bet more than just coconuts."

And they did just that. Hurley unveiled a three-tiered cake from under the table, Jin slabbed down three fish, Sawyer bet his guns, and Charlie bet Jack's manhood.

"My manhood?" Jack said, snatching the piece of paper Charlie had put down in the middle of the table. "How did you get your hands on this?"  
"Sawyer sold it to me."  
"Well it's not authentic!"  
"Really? Cuz I've got the certificate of authenticity right here."  
Jack took that too and read it carefully. It definitely sounded authentic. And now he really had to win this hand. So he went all in and bet his children.

"You're betting your children?" Sawyer asked, half-laughing.  
"Yep," Jack said, an all too sure smile on his face. "Pretty much gives you no choice but to fold, doesnt it?"  
------------------------------------------

Kate and Sun stood holding their children about 10 feet away from Locke's hut, watching as it burned to the ground.

"I still do not understand why you had to burn down Locke's hut," Sun said, her skin aglow from the firelight.

"Who does he think he is giving me fatherly advice?" She said. And she did not say anything else.

Sun took this moment of silence as an opportunity to go over the events of that night. She had learned that she and Kate had nothing in common at all. And that she was a whore.

"I am sorry Kate," she said in that stilted English of hers. "But I do not think we can be friends anymore."

Kate was confused and turned to look at her but Sun only shrugged apologetically and walked away.

"Hey!" Kate called, angry now, and hurt. "I have slept with a Chinese man! And more than one!"

Sun cast her one last look of horror before she retreated to her tent.

Kate sighed. So much for making friends.  
--------------------------------------------

Jack creeped into his tent, hoping not to wake Ana Lucia. He saw that she was with Libby. And he seemed to have interrupted them.

"Ana, you're awake," he said.  
"Yeah?"  
"Don't mind me."  
Ana rolled her eyes and shared a knowing 'get-a-hold-of-this-moron' look with Libby. "How did your poker game go?" she asked.

"Oh. Great!" he exclaimed, nervously. He picked up his back pack and headed over to his childrens' crib. "Hey listen, the kids are going to be spending some time with Sawyer and Kate, okay?"


	11. Guns and Gambling

**Chapter 11: Guns and Gumbling/Best Mother Ever**

"You did _what_!"

Jack avoided looking directly at Ana Lucia, though he could feel her gaze burning into his skin out of the corner of his eyes. Instead, he focused on the job at hand: carefully tucking each of his four kids into a backpack. He rubbed Locke Jr's bald head as he stuffed him into one compartment, while gently stroking the dark cheek of Eko Jr. On the floor next to him, Hugo Jr. let go of an enormous burp as Josefina tried to disentangle her foot from his rotund belly.

Ana stood there, arms crossed, seething with fury. Her nostrils flared like a great boar the way they usual did when she was pissed off and Jack knew that at any moment she was viable to shoot him. He remembered Ana casually recounting how she had shot a dozen or so unarmed men and women in her day. He took a moment and chose his words carefully.

"We'll still get to see them, Stretchy Skin."  
Perhaps he should have taken an extra moment.

"DON'T CALL ME THAT, JACK."  
"DON'T CALL ME JACK!"

"Let's all try and calm down, shall we?" Libby said in what she thought was a soothing, controlled voice, though she sounded just as scared as Jack at the prospect of getting shot. And, being bold enough to say what everyone else was thinking, she muttered, "Nobody needs to get shot."

She had not left the hut since Jack had walked in on her and Ana Lucia. Ironically enough, although Kate had made up the tantric sex lesson she'd told Sawyer about, Libby was indeed having a lesson. It was just that Ana Lucia had been her only pupil. In fact they were still both naked. Walking in on his lover and another woman naked in his hut did not faze Jack at all though. It actually was a comforting sight as it reminded him of one Sunday afternoon when he was 10 years old, discovering his mother and her short-haired, muscular friend, Helga, innocently playing a game of naked Twister. Right-hand red, he remembered. Right-hand red.

Even though this was a fight Libby had no right to interfere in he stayed, eager to use her psychiatric expertise wherever possible. "Jose, did you say you _gambled_ the children away?"

"I had a pair of Jacks!" Actually, it was a pair of nines.  
"You know you're not supposed to gamble, Jack," Ana said slowly. "Remember when you told me that you almost got thrown out of college for gambling?" She enunciated her next words extra clearly, threateningly. "Do you want me to shoot you? Because I can. I can shoot you, Jack."

Jack, while in the process of courting her had confessed all the bad-ass things he had done in his lifetime. When his tales of not helping old ladies across the street and littering failed to impress her, he began to invent a series of crimes he had committed, starting with stealing a Snickers at the local 7-11, escalating in stabbing a priest for looking at him funny, and culminating in the organization of a campus-wide gambling ring at his college.

In reality the most bad-ass thing he had ever done was smoke what he thought was a clove cigarette at an outdoor concert for Wham he had gone to after failing his MCATs for the fifth consecutive time. The first high of his life gave him a strange mixture of the munchies and a heightened sexual desire which invariably led to him making out with a hot dog. The unfortunate event was caught on a security camera and aired on the evening news. The resulting lawsuit for mental anguish allowed Jack to buy himself a passing grade on the exam.

He could not however, break his gangster façade or he would have to rebuild his character from scratch. So he went along with it.

"It's Jose. And I thought I had my luck back! I beat Sawyer that one time when I won all the medicine!"  
"He let you win," Ana Lucia said, feigning calmness.  
"How do you know that?"  
"Cuz nobody goes all in with a pair of 5s, Culo!"  
"Oh," he said.

"You are going to go straight to Sawyer and Kate and you are going to tell them that they can't have my babies, you got that?" she asked.

Jack was getting tired of this argument. His whole life and especially the last two years on the island, he'd been a leader of men. He was a doctor for goodness sake! And as a leader _and_ a doctor it was unlike him to just stand here and take all the flack Ana Lucia was giving him.

"Look, Ana," Jack began, "I'm Jose. I'm the doctor around here - I'm the _leader_ of these people. Whatever I say goes. And I'm not gonna look like a big sore loser in front of Kate, you got that?" And then for no apparent reason he repeated, "I'm a doctor!"

Ana stared at Jack with her arms crossed. She looked almost bored. Her eyes darted around the room, looking for a gun.  
"Ana, I know you're very angry but Jack is only human – "

Jack opened his mouth to object but thought against it. Libby was trying to save his life, and saving lives was one of the few things Jack respected.

"And he made a mistake," she continued. "Sure it was a big mistake to gamble away your children, but is it really so unforgivable? I'm sure if we just talk this out, we can come to a compromise that will make everyone happy without forcing anyone to do anything they'll regret later."

"Libby," Ana said. "Go find me a gun."

"I'm sorry but you cant have the babies, Sawyer," Jack said, grudgingly. He looked down at his feet when he said this, like a scolded child.  
They were outside Sawyer and Kate's hut – Jack, Ana Lucia and their 4 kids at his side, as he explained why he was welshing on his bet, being the sore loser he vehemently told Ana he wouldn't be.

The night air was almost palpable with tension (radiating from Ana Lucia), shame (coming from Jack), indifference (Sawyer and Kate), and the unmistakable smell of fire as somewhere in the background John Locke stomped out the last dying flame on the heap of ashes formally known as his hut.

"Here, take these coconuts instead," Jack said, offering up a bag full of coconuts.  
"I don't want your coconuts," Sawyer said.  
"Listen," Ana Lucia began, "Culo here isnt giving you the kids cuz they arent his to give."  
There was a short uncomfortable pause as Ana, Sawyer and Kate looked at each other.  
"That's right," Jack continued. "They're both of ours. I should've consulted with Ana Lucia before ever betting them."  
"He should have never bet them," Ana said.  
"I should have never bet them," Jack repeated.  
"And we're not giving you the coconuts either."  
"No, no coconuts for you!" he yelled in a high, almost cartoon voice, retrieving the bag.

"And you know what else, Sawyer," Ana went on, "I'm surprised that you would take advantage of Jack like that. He's just a doctor."  
"Um, con artist," Kate said, discreetly pointing in Sawyer's general direction.

"What Ana Lucia meant to say was how dare you take advantage of a doctor?" Jack said. "I save lives and this is how you repay me?"

"Look, you didnt have to come all this way," Kate said. "I mean, yeah, Sawyer did win the kids but we would never have accepted them anyway." 

This statement gave both Jack and Ana pause. They looked at each other, then at their children, and then back at Sawyer and Kate with what looked liked newfound disdain.

"What's wrong with my kids?" Ana asked.  
"Nothing," Kate lied.  
"Then why don't you want them?"  
"They're not mine," she said as if it was obvious.  
"My kids arent good enough for you or something?"  
"I didnt say that."  
"What, just because one's overweight and one's bald and one's black–"  
"Skin condition," Jack muttered.  
"And one's Jack's?" Ana continued. "They can't compare to your naked golden boy?"

"Ana's right," said Jack, who apparently chose to listen only to some parts of her argument (one's black) and ignore others (one's Jack's). "My kids are just as good as your kid. What am I saying? They're better in every way!"  
"You think you're too good for us, is that it?" Ana exclaimed.

"Listen - Ana Lucia, Jack," Sawyer said, finally stepping in to end this thing once and for all. If he had known that there would be so much drama because of a stupid poker game he would've never played. He would've just stolen everything but the kids.

"We don't want to hear the pitter-patter of your doctor's spawn anywhere near our son so yes, we are too good for you. We really don't want your kids!"

A huge argument then proceeded to break out between the two couples. On one side, Ana Lucia's nostrils flared while Jack cried and pleaded. On the other Kate made up for Sawyer's comments by doing what she did best: lying, and declaring that Josefina was a "beautiful baby… girl."

Onlookers could not tell who was yelling what although they were about to discern statements like, "I cant help it that she looks like Jack!" and "They've all got the doctor gene!" and "So I slept with Jack, you can't condemn me for that!"

When it was all over, Jack and Ana had both stormed off, and Sawyer and Kate were left there standing in front of the door, holding all the Cortez-Shephard children, 2 babies each, one per arm. Sawyer wondered how the hell this had happened.

"How the hell did this happen?" Sawyer asked, trying in vain to move his ear away from Josefina's screaming mouth.

"We'll be back for them later!" Ana Lucia shouted back to them as she shoved Jack up the trail.

"Well this is just dandy," Sawyer said, scowling.

Kate's frown suddenly brightened as she looked at Jack Juan Locke and Jack Eko trying to wiggle out of her arms. They were just kids. And she was a mother. She posessed the skill and innate knowledge to take care of any child. In other words, this whole arrangement wouldn't be a problem."Don't worry, we can handle them," Kate said smiling, "I'm the best mother ever."

Sawyer leaned over the pile of babies and started picking them off each other and setting them elsewhere until he could see Kate's form beneath them all. She was laying on her back, perfectly still, except for the labored breathing. And she had this look on her face, mystified, horrified, but it would best be described as the look of someone who had just been buried alive under a pile of babies.

"You okay?" Sawyer asked, hovering over her after pulling off the last of the babies.

He didnt really need to ask to know that the answer was no, she was not okay. Her clothes showed the markings of each individual child. Jack Eko had drawn drawn some type of scripture all over her shirt in what looked like chalk and ash, Jack Juan Locke had somehow slashed and ripped her sleeves, Jack Hugo Jr. Had managed to mash every possible food on her, including bananas, mango and chocolate moose, which was weird since Sawyer ad Kate didnt have chocolate moose in the hut. It seemed Josefina had done a little of everything.

"Where were you?" she asked breathlessly as Sawyer helped her stand up.  
"I was changing Dakota."  
"But how? They were all on top of me."  
"Actually–"  
"There's so many of them!" Kate said, grabbing onto the front of his shirt and leaning in, her eyes wide and whispering, "They wont stop coming."

"It's okay, Sugar Pop, we just gotta–"  
"We can leave them in the jungle, I'm sure they'll be okay, right? I mean, Jack Juan Locke can hunt and stuff."  
"He's one."  
"But Eko Jr.'s got a jesus stick!" She nodded to herself and repeated, as if it was the answer to all their problems, "A jesus stick."

Sawyer was being to worry about her well-being. If there was anything he could tell from the look of her it was that Kate's idea of being the "best mother ever" meant quite the opposite.

He promptly sat her down on his comfy airplane chair and intructed her to just breath as the children commenced to destroy their surroundings.

"You put one down and then the next one jumps on you and before you know it you're being eaten alive!" she said.  
"Eaten alive?"

"Jack Hugo bit me!" She said, holding out her arm so that Sawyer could see. Jack Hugo didn't so much bite her as gnaw all along her arm, leaving red teeth marks and slobber. "And Josefina wouldn't stop screaming in my ear! She just grabbed hold of it and stuck her mouth in it and went off. And the other one keeps staring at me! All he does is look at me!"

Sawyer glanced in Jack Eko Jr's direction and saw that while his brothers and sister crawled all about him, knocking things down and tearing things to shreds, he sat perfectly still and was indeed staring at Kate, concentrating as if his life depended on it. The jesus stick lay eerily close by. 

Sawyer turned back to Kate and saw that Jack Juan Locke was trying to climb up her leg and Jack Hugo had found himself in her arms and was in the processes of mashing applesauce into her hair. 

She took him off her lap- nearly tearing her hair off with him- and placed him on the floor at the risk of the rest of them climbing back on top of her, and grabbed a knife from the nearby table. "Here, you little rugrat!" she yelled, handing it over to Jack Juan Locke.

"Kate!" Sawyer said, grabbing the knife back. "You cant give him a knife! Best mother ever, remember?"  
"But he likes knives. Maybe they'll distract him."  
"Or maybe he'll kill his brother."  
"There'd be one less!"

Okay, Sawyer thought. This had gone on long enough. He looked out the door and saw that Jack and Ana where nowhere in sight and he had no idea when they'd be back for their kids. But he had a plan.

He picked up each kid, including his son, Dakota, and somehow sat them all in a line, sitting them right in front of Kate. Whenever he wanted to put Dakota to bed he knew that a surefire way would be to tell him a story. He didn't know how he knew to do this or why it worked but it did.

"Freckles," he said, "Enthrall them with one of your tall tales."  
"Tall tales?" she asked.  
"Yep."  
"I don't know any tales."  
"Just lie to them in story form."

Kate seemed to understand this. "Oh," she said. "Okay." She tried hard to bring a reluctant smile to her face and had no trouble at all thinking of an elaborate lie to tell the children.

"There once was a Princess who was waiting for her prince charming to come and rescue her from–"   
"Aww hell," Sawyer interrupted.  
"You don't like the story?"  
"It's not that. We're missing Jack Juan Locke. Lemme go find him, I'll be right back."

Sawyer left the tent and came back in a little over 3 minutes with the baby in his arms just in time to catch the end of Kate's bedtime story. 

"...And that's why it's so important to ask your partner about their sexual history before you do anything with them. And yes, that includes first base because they might have herpes and that's transmitted through direct skin contact and not necessarily in the genital area," she took a deep breath and smiled- a genuine smile this time. "And then the princess burned down his castle. The end."

Sawyer sighed. So much for that. The kids were not sleeping like he'd hoped. In fact, they were probably traumatized. He could only imagine what the princess of Kate's story had done with her prince. He put Jack Juan Locke next to his brothers and then sat himself down next to Kate.

"My turn," he said. "I'm going to tell you guys the story of your births."

And he began, having a captive audience in 5 children and Kate herself.

"I'll never forget that day," he said. "I woke extra early that morning to admire Kate's sleeping form." 

"Wait, that's not why you woke up early," Kate interjected.

Kate too remembered the events of that day because she'd woken up in a most memorable way. To her surprise and utter bewilderment she'd woken up covered from head to toe in bubblewrap. The kind you use in packages so that the contents don't break. It was, in fact, the real reason that Sawyer had awoken early. In her ninth month he didnt want the contents inside her to break.

"She was 9 months pregnant!" Sawyer protested. "I was only trying to protect her. If your daddy wrapped your mother in bubblewrap maybe you'd all be better off.

The babies simply stared at him. Josefina grunted.

"You say it like being 9 months pregnant completely incapacitated me."

In truth it did no such thing. In her ninth month of pregnancy Kate experienced a sudden "surge of uncontrollable horniness" as Sawyer called it. Yes, he was trying to keep her out of harms way by wrapping her in the bubblewrap, but most importantly, Sawyer was trying to keep her immobile so that he wouldn't have to have sex with her.

"Okay, (a) I never experienced a surge of uncontrollable horniness," Kate said with a disgusted look on her face. "And (b) I can't believe you didn't want to have sex with me!"

"Sweatheart, you know I didn't want to poke the baby," he explained. This was a lie. In reality, a horny, big-with-child Kate frightened him.

"Oh but when I was 4 moths along you were perfectly okay with wanting to give the baby dimples," she answered accusingly.

Sawyer considered this. He had indeed made conflicting arguments to have and avoid having sex with Kate. He decided not to shove his foot farther into his mouth by continuing with the story.

"Anyway, just as I'd finished unwrapping Kate we heard this horrible, guttural scream coming from somehwere outside."  
"I'll never forget that scream," Kate said. "It was like someone was being set on fire."  
Sawyer leaned over and look at Jack's 4 children. "Turns out it was your mother."

Before Sawyer and Kate could go see what was wrong Jack had popped his head into their tent. This was not uncommon for Jack. He had popped his head into Sawyer and Kate's tent on many an occasion, particularly if he believed they were about to make love.

"We are not going to have sex right now!" Sawyer had yelled at him, fed up with his warnings about the 'dangers of sex' and how 'Kate really loves _me_ and bla bla bla."

But he wasnt there to prevent Kate and Sawyer from having sex at all. He was there to let them be the first to know that Ana Lucia was in labor. Ana screamed that guttural scream again.

"Shouldn't be out there with your girlfriend right now?" Sawyer had asked, as Jack was passing out cigars.  
"Right!" Jack said.

And Jack did tend to Ana Lucia but not before he invited Sawyer and Kate to come see the beautiful miracle of life that was about to take place. Kate, feeling that it was important to witness a birth again (she'd already been there for Aaron's) so soon to her own delivery, agreed. So Sawyer helped her up and place his hand on the small of her back as she waddled on behind Jack to go and witness the beautiful miracle of life.  
It was the worst decision she had ever made in her life. 

"The first one to come out was you, Josefina," Sawyer said. "Jack was a little disapointed that you weren't a boy but he got over that as soon he figured out that you weren't the only one coming out."

She certainly wasn't. To everyone's surprise, Ana Lucia wasn't just going to have one child that day. Jack couldn't be happier. Kate couldn't be more horrified. There seemed to be blood and guts everywhere and Ana Lucia looked as if she was being turned inside out starting with her cooch. It was at that moment that Kate lost all of her "uncontrolable horniness" and decided never to have sex with Sawyer again. That resolution, obviously, didn't last too long.

"By day 4," Sawyer continued. "All of you were born." Yes, Ana Lucia was in labor for nearly 100 hours. Jack actually kept her a little longer, waiting to see if a fifth baby would pop out.

"Needless to say your mother was terrified of giving birth," Sawyer said, turning to his own son. "But a wee later she did and everything turned out alright."

Sawyer smiled to himself, seeing that all the babies were now slumped over each other and sleeping. He picked up Dakota and placed him in his crib just as Jack popped himself into the hut.

"I have great news!" he announced. "Ana Lucia and I are getting married!"

Sawyer and Kate stared at Ana, who had slipped in behind Jack. She simply shrugged and rolled her eyes. "Sht happens," she said.

"Congratulations," Sawyer and Kate said, simultaneously. They did not know how this sudden turn of events happen nor did they care. They simply wanted to go to sleep so they began returning the children to their rightful owners.

Jack took this opportunity to walk over to Kate and whisper, "I'll still always carry a torch for you," he said.  
Kate did not know how to respond so she just smiled and handed him Josefina.

To his amazement Jack found that his kids were neither naked nor nameless. As he put them all in his backpack he saw, out of the corner of his eye, Sawyer sitting next to Kate and wrapping his arms around her as she lay her head on his shoulder. Kate was exhausted and Sawyer was just providing that strength and warmth she needed to lean on. Jack did not mistake it for anything but a moment. A moment that, to his detriment, was not a jate moment.  
Naturally he set out to make it one.

He walked over to her with a superior air, veiled by modesty and compassion and sat on her other side. Sawyer opened one eye and stared at him ready to close it as soon he left them alone.

"There, there, Kate," Jack whispered, patting her on the shoulder. Then he shooed Sawyer's hand away with a flick of his wrist that spoke volumes. Mostly it said, 'I can take it from here.'

It was when Jack was in middle of repositioning her so that she was leaning on his chest now that Kate woke from her semi-sleeping state and looked at him.  
"What are you doing?" she said groggily, gradually coming to the realization that it was no longer Sawyer's chest that she was leaning on.

"It's ok, sweetie, just rest," Jack said.

And just before he could finish his considerate statement by planting an unwelcome kiss on the top of her head Sawyer, who in the meantime had stood up, grabbed him by the front of his shirt and through a succession of deft movements pushed him out of his hut. He would've thrown him out but there were the babies to consider.

"You and me," Sawyer growled in a low voice, "we're never playing poker again." And then he shut the door behind him.

"Lets go, Culo."

Jack turned to see Ana waiting for him a few feet away. At least he still had her. And she didn't mind when he vented about Kate. (In truth, she minded a lot).

"It was only a brother and sister type of hug," Jack said, referring to Sawyer and Kate's embrace.  
"Uh huh," Ana said. He caught up to her and now they were walking back to their own hut. And as she thought about how this conversation- in other words Jack's delusional attempt to rationalize, and talk himself out of what he just saw- she began regretting ever accepting to marry him.

"They care about each other and they've shown that in the hug," he went on. "They've been through a lot together so naturally they're there for each other in good times and in bad.

"And did you see how she sat up first as if to say 'Ugh, go away?'" he went on.  
"No."  
"Well she did. And you naturally lean into people when you're tired- means nothing!"   
"Right."  
"And you just know that she grabbed his arm like that cuz she didn't want to touch his nasty leg." "Is it nasty?" Ana asked, feigning interest.

"Yes! You know it wasn't even really a hug. It was more of an 'I'm sad, let me grab your arm type deal." He paused, thinking. "Okay, maybe the hug was a little sweet but no where near the level of sweetness of one of our hugs."

Ana stopped in her tracks. "You've never hugged me."  
"I meant my hugs with Kate," Jack said, rolling his eyes. "I mean, that was a really pathetic hug on Sawyer's part."  
"And why's that."  
"Cuz you gotta sit in front of the person. It was a weird angle."

They went on like this. Jack endlessly talking about the hug and Ana Lucia condemned to listening.


	12. The Beginning

**Chapter 12: The End/ The Beginning**

And then after I release the two white doves you'll all follow me as I carry my virgin bride to the reception area on the beach."

"Where the hell are you gonna get two white doves?" Sawyer asked, standing a few feet behind Jack.

"Where's he going to get a virgin bride?" Kate muttered under her breath.

Jack closed his eyes and sighed, his patience worn thin by Sawyer's perfectly-timed trademark snark. In actuality, Sawyer wasn't even trying to be snarky, he was just asking a relevant question.

"I'm not going to say this again, Sawyer," Jack began. "But this isnt the first time I'll be getting married and it certainly won't be the last. And if I remember correctly you've never even been married and you're not married now." He turned this time to look at Kate pointedly and cast her a non-too-subtle 'quite-a-catch-you-got-for-yourself' look. Neither she nor Sawyer looked very amused.

"I know a lot more than you do on pretty much every subject," he explained, turning back to Sawyer. "But especially on marriage. So you just worry about your Best Man duties and I'll worry about getting the doves."

Sawyer, probably more than anyone on the island, was shocked that Jack had asked him to be his Best Man considering that they were practically arch-nemeses. But along with the incredulity and feelings of justification came an ounce of flattery (it was more like a gram of flattery, but Sawyer hated the metric system). And after some pestering from Kate, who really didn't want Jack to _not_ be married to another woman (**any** other woman), he accepted the position.

He and Jack, along with everyone else in the camp, were currently crammed into Eko's church for Jack and Ana Lucia's wedding rehearsal. The real ceremony would be taking place at the same time the next day.

He may have only asked Ana to marry him the night before but Jack made no qualms about getting married as soon as possible (he was a man of action, after all). Truth be told, he loved being married except for the getting-cheated-on part, but he could never be cheated on a second time. He was a doctor.

As soon as he had set his eyes on Kate for the first time he had been determined to make her his wife. In fact, he had always thought about neat and fanciful ways to propose to her when he wasn't busy saving people's lives. His most elaborately thought-out proposal to date involved him deliberately getting stuck in a cave-in with Charlie and making her think he was dead, only to reappear a short while later, hug her and then ask her to marry him. He did get the hug but when he tried to propose his voice was too coarse to make out on account of all the dirt and feces he had swallowed. It was a really dirty cave.  
After the cave-in he never got another chance to propose to Kate. Sawyer had stepped into the picture and bribed a kiss out of her and Jack soon realized that the longer he went without asking Kate to marry him, the more she was falling for Sawyer. So last night, when he proposed to Ana Lucia, he figured that if Kate had chosen her _blatantly obvious_ second best than he should choose Ana Lucia. Officially.

Last night, being the first time Jack had been alone with Ana in a year, he decided to make it official with almost the same lines he had been saving to propose with to Kate.

His original script went a little something like this:

"Kate, I love you. Yes, it'll take some time to get over the fact that you're a criminal, but I can work around that. And I can fix you. Marry me!"

His actual proposal to Ana Lucia was a bit different:

"Ana Lucia, our kids need parents who are married. Just imagine lil Jose in a few years talking about his parents who are just _Boyfriend and Girlfriend_. And we're going to have another baby. I'm a doctor- I can fix you. And I can probably grow to love you just as much as I do Kate... Well, probably not. But we still need to get married. Yes, it'll take some time to get over the fact that you're morbidly obese, but I can work around that. So, marry me? Ana? Ana, I asked you to marry me. You're probably a little shocked condescending laughter. You probably didnt wake up today thinking that the most handsome man on the island would ask you to be his wife, but here I am. Marry me! Ana? Ana? Ana Lucia? Ana? Ana? Ana? Ana? Ana? Marry me. Marry me. Will you marry me? Marry me. I'm a doctor. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. Marry me. MARRY ME!"

Ana's Answer:

"FINE! JUST SHUT UP ALREADY!"

However the proposal went, Eko didn't care. He was just delighted to have people in his church. Finally. After two dozen or so deaths, most of the castaways had lost faith in pretty much everything. It was a particularly hard blow when Bob died while wading near the beach (he had tripped over a Virgin Mary statue in the water). Or was his name Jim? One of those two. Undetered, Eko proceeded to open the church with a "Make Your Own Jesus Stick" party, but to his disappointment, only Charlie had come.

Eko thought back on that day with mixed feelings of fondness and shame as he helped Charlie widdle his own Jesus stick (which actually turned into a Mary Magdelene stick since it came out so small). He still remembered the look of joy on Charlie's face as he told him he'd make good use of the whore stick.

But today at the rehearsal, just as Eko was about to pass around briquets and surprise everyone with a sermon about the evils of hell, Ana Lucia announced that she was "sick of all this wedding stuff" and that she wanted to leave the church because it was making her feel "itchy" and like she might "burst into flames" at any minute.

Jack just ignored her until a few minutes later when the faint aroma of bacon permeated the air. It was radiating off Ana Lucia's back, distorting the air around her like an overheated radiator. She had gotten a little too close to the cross.

With Ana about to burst into flames in a building filled with wood and booze (Ana had filled the front-left pew with alcohol to help her get through the rehearsal), Jack decided to cut it short.

Eko watched helplessly as everyone started filing out of the double doors but just when he thought he was all alone in the small church he was surprised to find Kate sitting in the confessional booth, apparently waiting for him.

He stood in front of where she sat and spent a few silent seconds looking at her with his intense, dark eyes. Kate was reminded of lil' Jose Eko and the way he had been looking at her just the night before. And she was beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. 

"What are you doing in here?" Eko asked in his thick Nigerian accent.  
"This is a confessional, isnt it?"   
"Yes."

They stared at each other for a few more quiet seconds.  
"I thought these things were supposed to be anonymous."  
"Yes. Forgive me," Eko answered. "I thought you had mistaken this for a bathroom."  
"No," she said. "I'm here to confess my sins. Anonymously."  
"Of course."

He discarded the roll of toilet paper he had in his right hand and sat on the other side of the booth. Separating him from Kate was only a bead curtain. He instantly regretted asking Larry the hippie, to help him build the confessional.

"I'm not exactly sure how to start this off," Kate began.  
"Tell me how long it has been since your last confession."  
"Never," Kate said. "I'm Jewish."

Kate, during a brief period in high school had become fascinated by religion. Unable to decide on one, she had randomly picked a religion with a game of eeny meeny miney moe. Actually, she had rigged it so her finger would land on Judaism. She loved the "costumes." And ever since she had been a devout Jew except for all the times she had killed, broke the law, ate non-kosher foods, or forgot to pray. Oh and when she celebrated Christmas. And Easter. She loved bunny ears.

"Oh," Eko said. "In that case, I think I know why you are here."  
"You do?" Kate asked.  
"Yes," Eko answered. "When I was a young child in Nigeria, I would play football with my brother Yemmi. One day we did not have enough players. So we could not play. My brother took the ball and kicked it around on the ground. But I did not join him. Instead, I sat down on the ground and I waited. Do you know what I waited for?"  
"No."

"I was waiting for another player to come play with us. And suddenly, after 2 hours of waiting, a child came to me and I said to him, 'I know why you are here. You are here to play football.'"  
Eko smiled wisely. Kate simply stared.  
"So yes," he continued. "I know why you are here."

Kate already started regretting ever coming here, knowing that that wasn't the last vaguely applicable story she'd have to sit through. "Ok, Eko, why am I here?"

"Please, when we are in the place of god I would like you to call me father."  
And then Kate reached through the curtain and slapped him.  
"Sorry," she said. "Father reflex."

Eko was confused but he let it go, instead focusing on why Kate was here with him now. "You are here to seek forgiveness for burning down Locke's hut."  
"No, not that. He deserved it."  
"Oh," Eko responded. "In that case, you are here to be forgiven for the crime for which you were being transported back to the United States."  
"No. He deserved it too."  
"Why don't you tell me why you are here then."

Kate inhaled deeply, bracing herself. "Is lying a sin, Father?"  
"When I was a young boy in Nigeria, I was asked a question and I did not tell the truth. Instead, I lied. As a result of this, four men died. As the men were dying one of them said, because you lied I will see you in hell. So yes, lying is a sin. Did you lie about something?"

"No," Kate lied.

Her eyes darted back and forth avoiding Eko's glare. A short silence followed as Kate thought maybe he was going to see straight through her lie and proceed to beat her with his Jesus stick. When nothing happened, she continued.

"I need to know if I'm living in sin. With Sawyer."  
"Living in sin?"

She nodded. "After what Locke told me about having a child out of wedlock... and seeing Jack and Ana Lucia about to get married," she paused, "It seems like they're doing the right thing for their kids. And I feel like I should be married to Sawyer."  
"And Sawyer does not want to get married."  
"Oh, no, he totally does."  
"He has proposed marriage to you?"  
"No. Not exactly."  
"Then how can you be sure he wants to?"

Kate thought back to a time, not too long ago, when she, Sawyer and their son sat around on the sand enjoying a day together. Out of the blue Sawyer suggested, "we should get hitched." Kate, being caught off guard and desperately wanting to change the subject, answered by asking what his favorite color was. (It was black, and Sawyer, seeing through the totally random question, never brought up getting hitched again). 

"I'm sure," Kate told Eko.  
"So what is the problem?"  
"I'm the one who doesn't want to get married."  
Eko nodded. "I see. Do you not love Sawyer?"  
Dispelling the notion she said, "He's the best thing thats ever happened to me." It was sincere and effortless. 

"So why do you not want to live in a holy union?"

"I've done the marriage thing before and it didn't work out. Sawyer is a great man and a great father. He doesn't need to be a husband to be all those things. Maybe one day I'll change my mind," she said. "But right now I don't want to change a thing."

Eko smiled. "When I was a young man in Nigeria, I wanted to marry a local girl. But I also had an obligation to be a priest. Long ago in the time of the ancient Israelites, King Solomon was ordered to have just one wife. But he took for himself more than just one. It was the downfall of his kingdom. I knew that a man like me could not marry. But I did. As a result, 18 people died. So maybe it is wise that you do not marry Sawyer. I give you my blessing to do as you please."  
Kate, happy with what she'd heard, smiled in return.

A few minutes after she left and just as Eko was about to do the same he saw Jack pop into the seat that Kate previously occupied.  
"Jack," Eko said surprised. "Do you need to discuss more arrangements about the wedding?"  
"No, I just saw Kate leave this booth," he said. "I'm going to need you to tell me everything that you two discussed. Plus I like sitting on the residual heat she left on the seat. It gives me the tingles."  
And he took out a pen and paper.  
--------------------------------------------------------

The ceremony was beautiful. Jack and Ana were married in Eko's church bright and early that morning. The groom wore the same clothes he'd come to the island with (only arguably more tattered now) and Ana Lucia wore a white blanket. He didn't carry her to the beach like he'd planned (nearly got a hernia trying) but he was still able to release the two white doves. Or at least what they thought were white doves, they were actually a couple of pigeons covered in their own filth.

Locke had captured them somewhere in the jungle by tracking their droppings.  
"How did you know those were dove droppings?" Sawyer had asked.  
"You can. Tell any animal by licking. The droppings, James."  
Sawyer looked at him.  
"And by licking the. birds. I was able to tell how old they were. Which region they were from. And how many sexual partners they've. Had in their lifetimes."  
"What part of the bird did you have to lick to figure that out?"

Locke walked away, not having the patience to deal with Sawyer's perfectly-timed trademark snark, but again, Sawyer was just asking a relevant question.

But the doves (pigeons) had come and gone and at the moment, everyone was on the beach enjoying the reception and dancing along to the musical stylings of Charlie Pace. Even if it was a little tiring to dance to Pink Floyd song after Pink Floyd song.

But that all abruptly stopped as soon as Locke took to the 'stage.'  
"Can I have. Everyone's attention please!" He said in a loud voice which made everyone turn to look at him.  
"In case you didn't Know. Someone. Burned down my hut!"

Kate tried to give off an innocent disposition as Sawyer put his arm around her shoulder, ready to defend her actions should Locke start accusing. Because, surely, she had a good reason to burn his home down. Surely.

"Jack and. Ana Lucia have been nice enough to let me. Stay with them. Until I build a new place to live!" He shouted. "Because I am still. Very bitter about this whole situation. I have decided to end the Baby. Olympic games!"

Charlie gasped.

"And because of Jack. And Ana's hospitality. I have also decided. To award all their children first. Place for the entire. Competition!"

"Hey that's not fair!" Kate complained.  
"Tell that to my. Burnt hut!" Locke shouted back. "I'm not the only person. On this island who's been the victim of unexplainable acts of arson. And we alllll know it!"

"That being said," Locke continued, "Jack, Ana. Congratulations! May none of your future children ever be bastards."  
As Locke left the stage, Charlie stood to make an announcement of his own. Luckily for him, he got the leftovers of Locke's attentive listeners.  
"I thought we'd perform at the closing ceremonies," he began. "But I guess that's never going to bloody happen, is it now? First big gig on this stupid island. Thanks a lot, Locke."  
"No problem," Locke answered obliviously.

"We're not ready to perform at our best and this is totally unexpected, but ladies and gents, I want to present to you my new band! Drive Shaft 2!"

Hurley, who had dutifully been playing the babysitting role for the wedding, brought the kids under his care to the stage.

Jack and Ana Lucia, Sun and Jin, and Sawyer and Kate could only stand back and watch as Hurley and Charlie took hold of their children, positioning them in the way a real band would look on stage, and handing them random objects, like twigs and husks and stuff, that were supposed to be instruments.

Sawyer and Kate's kid was in the back with the drums.  
"This is our one and only single for the moment," Charlie said to the crowd. "It's called, 'Children of the Hatch.'"

Kate and Sawyer watched their son drum his way trough the horrendous "song" the way parents watch their kids' first recital.  
"Did you know about this?" Sawyer asked.  
Kate shook her head.  
"I don't want my kid in Drive Shaft 2."  
Kate nodded in agreement.

All the parents watched the mini concert performance. Some were appalled. Some were proud, others were very confused. Jin and Sun gave off a despondent air as if they knew all their teachings had gone down the drain, as they watched their only daughter resort to being Backup Singer No.2 in Charlie's pitiful rock band.

Sun approached Kate as Jin went to speak with Sawyer.  
"Hello Kate."  
Kate was surprised to see her standing beside her, considering that just two night before Sun said she didnt want to be friends anymore.  
"Hi."  
"I came to tell you something."  
Kate waited expectantly.  
"Last night," she hesitated and then whispered, "I had the best sex of my life."  
Kate stood back and smiled. "Wow, Sun. That's great. Did Jin have a good time too?"  
"What? Oh, Jin wasn't there. I just wanted to thank you. For talking to me about that. I realize now you were being a good friend. So, thank you. And I am sorry about what I said last night."

Kate smiled and nodded. "No problem." She watched Sun go off with Jin again to go get their child and presumably save her from a life of back-up singingness.  
Hurley had taken all the kids back into his care now and Charlie was back to his usual singing. He nixed the Pink Floyd and played a slow song this time.

Jack and Ana Lucia seemed to be enjoying their dance. Though 'enjoying' was sort of a loose term here. As a matter of fact so was 'dance.' More appropriately, Ana stood in the middle of the crowd looking bored while Jack shimmied about around her, grinding against and swinging around her as if she were a pole. Jack was obviously an accomplished pole-dancer.

Kate caught Sawyer - who's own style of slow-dancing consisted of shifting his weight from foot to foot and swaying ever so slightly- looking at them with a strange expression on his face. She attempted to ask him the ultimate girly question.  
"What are you thinking?" 

He looked back at her and readjusted his hands on either side of her waist. "I'm thinkin' that if Irina Slutskaya over there keeps dancing like that, he's gonna break a hip."  
Kate looked over at Jack. "I'm pretty sure Irina Slutskaya's a figure skater, not a dancer."  
"My point exactly," Sawyer said.  
Kate laughed.

"Do you think they'll last?"  
"Hell no," Sawyer answered. "Getting married was probably the last thing they should've done."  
What she really wanted to ask, though, was, 'do you think _we'll_ last?'

Sawyer seemed to sense this. He pulled her closer to him until they were pressed against each other. "I don't ever want to marry you," he whispered.  
To the casual observer this may have seemed like a mean thing to say, cruel even. But for Kate, it was the best thing she could possibly hear. And it answered her unspoken question completely.

She leaned into his chest and breathed in, content. "Everything is the way it should be," she said. "I've got you and little..." she turned in the direction of Hurley and his play pen of kids, spotting her son. "What was his name today?"

Sawyer sighed, a mixture of fatigue and despondency. "I guess everything's not exactly as it should be. Our own kid still doesn't have a name."  
"Don't beat yourself up over it," Kate said, smoothing out the hair at the back of his neck as he bent his head. "A name we both love'll come to us soon enough."

"When?" he groaned. "I can give everyone on this island a different nick name every day but I cant even think up a name for my own son."

He dropped his hands at his sides and Kate stepped back, not realizing just how upset this whole thing was making him.  
"Hey..." But she didnt continue. She didnt know what to say to make him feel better. And Sawyer looked at her, realizing this.  
"I'm gonna go clear my head," he said. "Spend some time with my guns."

Kate felt useless, watching him go. Useless and alone. Until Jack popped himself at her side, as if waiting the whole day for an opportune time to get her attention.  
"I just want you to know," he said. Looking out for Ana Lucia out of the corner of his eye, "That I'm not the marrying kind."

Apparently Eko's confidential confessionals weren't so confidential.

It was night time when Sawyer came back to his hut. Kate had been worried but she knew that it'd be pointless to go looking for him. He needed his space. And a disturbing amount of alone time with his guns. And by the looks of the broad smile on his face when he came through the door, time with his guns did him good.

She sat on the bed, playing with the baby but stood up when she saw Sawyer approaching. Being the kind of mother she was, she left the baby sitting on the bed, unattended, the way you're not supposed to leave babies. But it was okay. Sawyer- like he always had been and always would be- was there to pick up the slack. And literally picked up his son.

He bounced him on his arm and his smiled widened as he looked at him. "I know your name," he said.

TBC


	13. Epilogue: Namesake

Disclaimer: Parts of Jose's dialogue has been taken from a Matthew Fox interview. Sorry Foxy (dont sue me).

**Epilogue: Namesake**

2 YEARS LATER

There were three 3 year-olds sitting in an enclosed section of the sand, known as the sandbox. They were the little Asian girl with chin-length dark hair, the little boy with sun-kissed golden hair and the other little girl, sporting a buzz-cut cuz she got tree sap stuck in her hair 8 days prior. The buzz-cut girl, who looked more and more like her father Jack everyday, was taking handfuls of sand and spraying it on her two companions.

The little boy took Soon-Yi's hand in his own and turned to Josefina, yelling, "Stop!"

Josefina yelled also, but that was not out of the ordinary. The 3 year-old's vocal chords had been formed through screams and shouts. She opened her mouth to speak, in the shouting manner with which she spoke every word, and said, "MY MOMMY SAYS YOUR MOMMY'S A WHORE!"

The little boy, although not knowing what the word "whore" meant, wisely surmised by Josefina's tone that it was something bad. And not entirely understanding what he was about to say, said it anyways, knowing it was something his daddy said whenever something bad happened.

"Sonofa_bitch_!"

He then stood up and ran right out of the sandbox leaving Soon Yi with her mouth agape and Josefina- of her own volition- munching on a mouthful of sand. 

Sawyer was crouched down outside his hut in front of a big pile of wood. The big pile of wood was supposed to be a mobile for his son's old crib, but alas, it was still nothing but a big pile of wood.

Using a sizable rock as his hammer, he banged and banged on the wood until the rock, rather inevitably, collided with his thumb.

"Son of a _bitch_!" he yelped, falling back on his ass on the sand and waving his hand around to try and stop the pain.

Behind him Sun gasped and Jin covered his young daughter Soon- Yi's ears with the palms of his hands. He coughed to make himself known. Sawyer, now sucking on the side of his thumb, turned around to look at the family.

They were staring at him, looking appalled, and all he could do was stare back with a look that screamed "_What!_"

Jin decided to speak for all of them.  
"Just now Soon-Yi called me a son of a bitch," he explained, still covering his daughter's ears.

Sawyer couldn't help but laugh. "You sure raise 'em smart, Daddio."

Sun frowned. "Soon-Yi picks up a lot of things very quickly," she said. "And we believe she picked up this particular phrase from your son."

Sawyer scoffed. "And why do you think that?"

"Because," Jin continued. "She also told me I 'shoot blanks.' I do not know what that means but it sounds like something you and your son would say."

Yep, this was definitely his son's doing, Sawyer realized. He should have never had that conversation about Jin's blanks with him.

It was then that Kate stepped out of the hut. She saw Sun and Jin looking pissed. "What's going on?"

Sawyer stood up. "Don't worry, Freckles. I'll settle this."

He wiped his hands on his jeans and called for his son, who was surely running around somewhere close.

"GUNNER!"

From somewhere down the beach, Gunner ran right up to his mom and dad.

The name came to Sawyer after a fateful night of trying to clear his head by spending some time with his guns. He decided to name his son after something that he loved. And he really loved guns. Thankfully, he didn't clear his head that night by reading a bunch of books or else the child would've probably been called Booker by now. 

Though Kate wouldn't have gone for a Booker. Incredibly, she loved the name Gunner. Thought it fit. Gunner Mordechai Austen Ford. (Kate felt he needed a Jewish middle name).

"Jin and Sun say Gunner's been corrupting Soon-Yi," Sawyer explained to Kate.  
Kate bit her lip. "Gunner, you're not getting naked again, are you?" She really hoped that he'd grown out of that phase by now. Or at least that her sewing had gotten better.  
It hadn't.

The boy shook his head innocently.  
"They say," Sawyer continued. "That he's using phrases like 'son of a bitch.'"  
Jin covered Soon-Yi's ears again.

Kate didn't have to ask Gunner to verify this, knowing that it was perfectly in his nature to pick up his father's bad language and share it with the other children.

A penchant for bad language was just one of the attributes Gunner accumulated from his parents. All the other children on the island had such strong personalities right off the bat, but Gunner was just starting to grow into his own. Like his father, he was a charmer, just now charming Hurley into giving him a cookie. Like his mother, he was a runner. Ran everywhere from into his parents' arms to out of them. But unlike both of them, he was not an outcast. Among the other island children, he was anything but.

Kate stood behind her boy and inched him closer to Sun and Jin. "Gunner, apologize to Soon-Yi," she said.  
The boy looked up at his friend and said, "Sorry Soony."

Sun, Jin and Soon Yi left, leaving Kate to crouch down to talk with Gunner eye-to-eye, as Sawyer stood back and let her do her thing.

"Gunner, you cant just go around saying bad words. Promise me you won't anymore."  
"But Daddy says bad words."  
"Yeah well..." Sawyer began. "I'm allowed to cuz I know what a son of a bitch actually is. And until you do you probably shouldn't be saying it."   
"That's right," Kate said. "Now promise."  
"I promise."

Like his mother, Gunner was also a liar. But Kate was pretty good about seeing through that.  
"Don't lie to mommy, sweetie."  
"Okay." he said. "But what's a whore?"

Kate's mouth fell open and she immediately turned her accusing glare to...  
"Sawyer!"  
"Don't look at me!" he exclaimed. "I didn't teach him that."

"Gunner," Kate said. "Where did you learn that Mommy's a whore?"

Kate walked over to Jack's hut. She saw a little girl, smaller than her quadruplet siblings, sitting in front of the hut. She was just a baby, but she was sitting out there like she was guarding the place. As Kate moved closer she saw that the girl was playing with a daddy-long-legs spider. And when she moved even closer she saw that she wasn't so much playing with it as she was just pulling the legs off the thing one by one.  
Suffice to say, Kate was immensely disturbed by her.  
Jacka Sayida, Ana Lucia's youngest child, Sayid's only child, and Jack's supposed child, was a born torturer. It was rumored that she was born doing a somersault and wearing army fatigues. But Kate knew that was ridiculous. Babies couldn't be born doing somersaults.

"Hi, Jacka Sayida," she said, approaching the child slowly.  
Jacka Sayida raised her eyes. Her very apathetic, sleepy-eyelid eyes and simply looked at Kate.  
"Is your mom or dad home?"

Jacka Sayida did not say anything.

"Right," Kate said. "Well, I'm going to go inside then."

Jacka Sayida stared and then said, "Jacka Sayida!" It was the only thing she knew how to say. 

The girl creeped Kate out. She simply left her there and stepped inside Jack's hut. He looked to be having a very serious chat with his four kids sitting in front of him. He did not notice Kate.

"Honestly — and I don't know exactly how this will sound," he was telling his kids, " — the honest truth is that I don't think of it as Jose, Kate and Sawyer. I think of it as Jose and Kate. The Sawyer element of it I don't even consider a reality."

Josefina nodded vehemently.

"I'm really pleased with where Jose and Kate are. I think in all the years that we've been on this island — we are at our closest point. I think Jose's being a little bit more forgiving of her shortcomings or deceptions or misleading things in the past. I think there is a very deep desire there for a relationship, and not just physical but emotional. There is a connection, and it's deep, and there's been so much in the way of that in the past, and I do think the year will end..."

"Um, Jose?" Kate said.

Jack spun his head around just as he was saying "interim."

"Kate! I didn't know you were standing there. I was just talking to the kids about the separation. It can be very hard on them. I had to make Jacka Sayida wait outside."

As Sawyer had predicted on the night of their marriage, Jack and Ana did not last. It pretty much ended for them the day Ana realized she was actually married to Jack. One would think that she'd realize the fact early on, but it took her longer since she was drunk for 75 of the time since they married. Ok, 97.

"Jose, can I talk to you privately for a moment?"  
This was music to Jack's ears. He dropped everything he was doing.  
"I'll be right back guys!" Jack said, standing up so he could go to the corner of the room with Kate.   
"What did you want to talk about?" he asked.  
"Today Josefina told Gunner that I'm a whore."  
Jack's jaw dropped in shock. He turned to look at his daughter. "Josefina, how could you say that about your future mo–... Kate. How could you say that about your auntie Kate?"  
Josefina shrugged. "MOTHER SAID IT FIRST!" she yelled at the top of her lungs.

Jack turned back to Kate. "I'll talk to Ana Lucia. I mean, if she lets me anywhere near her, I'll talk to Ana. But I'll talk to Josefina too."  
"Thanks."  
Kate was heading for the door when Jack stepped in front of her to stop her.

"Before you go..." 

Kate sighed. She really hoped he wasn't going to ask her what she was certain he was going to ask her. Maybe this time it'd be different, though. Maybe after all this time on the island he was finally ready to throw in the towel with her.

"Now that Ana Lucia and I are separated, do you want to go out sometime?"

Apparently not.

It took Kate some time to get away from Jack.

"I'm in love with Sawyer!" she'd said.  
"Actually, it's pronounced Jose. J-O-S-E," Jack had responded. After a little while she was able to get away though.

Coming up to her hut she found the two most important guys in her life still working on the big pile of wood. Like his father, Gunner was now shirtless too and pretending to bang his fingers just so he could imitate Sawyer, who'd banged his finger again and was shaking it off.

"Maybe you should just give up on your project," Kate said, walking up to them. "I like you with fingers."

Sawyer mock-scowled. "Yeah well, lucky for us Gun knows what he's doing, dontcha son?" Gunner nodded. "Go show your momma what you made," Sawyer said.

Gunner ran up to Kate, giving her the mobile he and Sawyer had apparently finished.

"For Bump!" He announced. "Daddy helptid."

'Bump' literally referred to the bump of Kate's stomach. It was small, and only a few months big but Gunner had already been told that after some months this bump would give him a brother or a sister. And this time around both Sawyer and Kate had already agreed on a name so as to prevent another whole year of nameless-baby-syndrome.

Though it'd be easy to name it James if it were a boy, Sawyer didn't want that. It was a name he hated and discarded and it reminded him of his youth, which he never wanted to be reminded of. Even before Gunner was born, Sawyer knew the name he would never give his child, and it was James.

But the baby would have a namesake. Either a boy or a girl, Kate wanted to name it after her dad, Sam, who wasn't really her dad at all.

Kate held the mobile and looked at it as if it was the most amazing thing she'd ever seen. It kind of was. She hugged Gunner and thanked him, let him go run off to play.

"You think he thinks he's getting an actual bump as his sibling?" Kate asked Sawyer.  
"Probably," he answered. "We ain't raising no brilliant Soon-Yi."

Kate laughed and took him by the hand, trying to stand him up and drag him inside the hut.  
"Where you takin' me?" he asked.

"This kid needs dimples," she said simply.

Sawyer smiled suggestively and let her lead him into the hut.

The End.


End file.
